Two messages today tell me to be true to myself. “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” — Theodor Seuss Geisel (Dr Seuss) and in an email from CWG pointing out that we need to show ourselves fully and completely to others, so we may find our significant Others in our lives. I censor my thoughts to what I think other people will find acceptable, I think most of us do to some extent. Over the past few years when I get sick or stressed, I tend to lose my voice. One of my clients suggested that this was because I was holding back something I didn't want to say. I was congratulating myself this morning, for mentioning to my husband the idea of splitting the income earning between the two of us, sometime in the future. At the moment I am responsible for our regular income. I tend to have imaginary conversations in my head when I worry about something. The outcomes are not usually good or I would just go ahead and have the conversations for real. The problem is I don't give people the chance to surprise me. My husband had been looking at the idea himself, and has since searched the employment pages to get an idea of what's around. We don't always talk through the things going on in my head, and I assume he doesn't want to know. I suspect that a lot of the "not talking" that we do, is me not giving him the choice of whether to respond, by not asking in the first place. I had seen my husband as the biggest hurdle in my goal of trying to get more balance between my work, family and interests. I intend to be more open and honest in my dealings with other people, and give them the opportunity to surprise me.
I remember my sister saying to me that one of her memories as a child, was of me telling her that you shouldn't ask for things. I know I believed that not asking for things made you a good guest, or a good child. I worried about my friends asking for too much if they came over after school. I think I have carried some of this with me as an adult. Don't rock the boat, or stir up trouble. Being quiet and low maintenance has become my strategy. It seems I benefit no-one, least of all me, by trying to be inoffensive, and polite all the time,if that is not my honest feeling.
Back to honesty then, and my journal has started to come full circle, back to it's original intent. Acknowledging my shadow self, and expressing my true self to others in the world, without censoring.