10 years on

Recently, my husband and I reached the milestone of ten years of marriage. I think we don't look bad for ten years on, the pink hair has to stay in the nineties though. In that time we've had two kids, bought and sold a house, and switched roles a few times. It hasn't always been smooth sailing, but we seem to be doing alright at the moment.
I don't know when my ideas of marriage and love were formed or all the influences, but I have different ideas of marriage now than the day I married. The wedding was quite impulsive I guess. We had been together for about 18months and living together for about a year. This is the chemical phase of a relationship, when you get a buzz from being around each other because of feel-good chemicals in your brain. I loved being loved and having someone who seemed to adore me. We never spent a night apart, and still haven't been apart for more than a few nights. In my diary that I kept at the time, I had written a list of all my requirements for a life partner. I was after someone compatible with my aspirations and passions. I still remember telling my husband to be that his lack of passion for the beach was a big flaw, and I was half joking. I wish I'd kept that part of the book, but I discarded it for being too full of teenage angst. I think I also remember getting rid of it as I felt that my husband had made it obsolete. Why write into a book when I could tell all my secrets to him. I used to even write letters back then. So one night when my sister asked when we would get married, I said "how about next month?" and he said "that works for me" and we did. It was very low key, no engagement really so no engagement ring. We only invited people who were a regular part of our day to day life, though a few extra slipped in via my in-laws. The idea being that the distant relatives were not likely to have any true feelings for our relationship and marriage and not be part of our lives throughout.
I was never as good at remembering anniversaries and stuff, and I don't think we were ever very good at dinner dates. They were over too quick, because we didn't sit around and chat. I went to a few car fiend events and He used to follow me through rainforests and to beaches. I guess we were both more solitary people than extroverts. Nowadays, we don't really go to each others special places. I can't remember the last car show I went to, and we haven't been to a rainforest in ages. I walk through the local bush sometimes on my own or with one of the kids. I think when we get a decent car back on the road I will just have to take off one day for a long hike on my own. I sometimes think my unromantic self over-analyzes my marriage like a business transaction. You know "How much will I get back for what I put in." Don't get me wrong, I still care for my husband very much, but life gets in the way sometimes. Especially now that the real chemical bit has worn off. I think about what we have to offer each other in a world where we have increasingly different paths. I have told my husband before that"I don't need him." Actually I think it was him that pointed this out to me and I agreed. If he left me, I would still be very sad and cry a lot, but life would go on and I would survive fine. To me there is a compliment in that. He is still around isn't he! I don't need him around, I just want him around. Where as someone elso might keep someone around that they don't want, because they have become dependent on them. I don't know if it is a choice to not become too dependent on somebody else, actually yes I do, I believe it is a healthy way to be, so I must do it subconsciously at least. In our society today, I also find marriage less relevant. It doesn't have the same purpose of uniting families and creating binding unions, it's more of a romantic concept.
Today if we were not married, I don't think I would bother with the ceremony of it. Possibly we are still together because of the kids. They make us less impulsive. In a low moment, we are more likely to weather it out, instead of maybe going our separate ways. Then again maybe without kids we would have stayed more passionate and balanced in our lives, who knows?
I still love to see him happy. Even in the early days he was not prone to bouts of excitement, but I would get glimpses of joy that made my day. Sometimes just watching him from the car, talking animatedly to a service station attendant would do it. The last time I saw him really happy was when he got to buy tickets for a few of us to go see cirque du soleil. I admire his generosity at times, and he gets real enjoyment out of being able to get something for someone. The other times he is happiest is around his animals. Playing with the mutts, or spotting some wild animal come to visit. I think I have always been a bit jealous of other people being better at making him laugh than me, I seem to be standing back and watching all the time. If we're not involved with each others lives then we can't have those moments. So I guess our lives together in the future will always be measured by whether we make each other happiest by being together. But there again is the business transaction. I'll make you happy if you make me happy. Maybe that's just human?