I am who I want to be

I followed up my last post about children developing ego, with a search into social styles. I found a page that describes me perfectly as an analytical type, which goes hand in hand with my control drama of Aloof. The book I stole, had a quote "I am who I want to be". While I didn't think of it like this before, I choose the behaviors I exhibit, for safety. My beliefs have led me to think there is something to fear, that I can defend myself from, by withdrawing. By changing my beliefs, I can change my behaviors. In healing physical ailments, the book guides you through a series of questions to find the emotional/spiritual block that causes it. One of the first questions is "Do you want to be healed?" If I wanted to be healed I would be, so I must still believe this pattern serves me. "What would I be If I healed this?" Somewhere in my mind, I think fixing this pattern will make me less than. I started thinking about my friendship phobia. I am not a good friend and tend to sabotage relationships. I am who I want to be. I want to not be a good friend? Yes maybe. I tell myself I don't have time, they are too high maintenance, I need alone time, I am not needy ........ That last one feels right. I fear being needy in friendship. So I make myself withdraw as soon as I feel a connection, or a perceived obligation. I even tell my husband I don't need him. My spiritual client told me I do need him or he wouldn't be in my life. She was quite focused on that. I shrugged it off a bit.
Why have I made the needy part of me a shadow? I come up with the friendships at school. In grade one I had good friends, mostly I only remember one, a girl called Brigid, I used to have play dates at her house. My dad said I was a very sociable and friendly little girl. I remember being shy, but not in grade one. I think she moved school, somewhere around grade 2 maybe, another friend Cassandra did too. In grade 3 our teacher got pregnant, and our class was dispersed among other classes. I remember feeling like an outsider in my new class. Somewhere around these grades I had a friend Vanessa, I think it was around the time of the class split. I only remember one particular day, when I suggested a game to play with her and Jemma, one of her new friends. Jemma told me I couldn't play, and that Vanessa was only going to be her friend now, she didn't want to be mine. It was a huge blow to my self esteem, and I don't think it ever recovered. I never really had a best friend after that. I spent some lunch times alone, and I would help out the groundsman to be inconspicuous. Or wander from place to place trying to look like I was going somewhere, not just wandering aimlessly. In grade 5 I made friends with a girl who lived along the walk on my way home from school. She was in the class next door. I hung out with her for a while until the cool girls in my class started to put pressure on me to decide who I would hang out with. They said I couldn't sit with them if I spoke to her. I was still on the outside with them, and I am sad to say I abandoned my friend for not being cool enough. I remember crying sometimes at school when I was alone at lunch. If someone saw me, they would sympathize, and make a show of how they all liked me. I remember a girl called Kelly who was a bit of an outsider herself, but somehow self assured, always comforting me. I was friends with just about everyone by this grade, but best friends with no one. Everybody already had best friends by now. I pretended I didn't mind. I think at the end of grade 6, one of the popular girls left for America. I was close to her best friend, Belinda, so for a while we were very close. I got to hang around the popular girls that year, but would be reminded every now and then that I was still only second best friend, until the other one came back. Belinda was just being loyal to her friend, and she was always the nicest to me of all the girls, but I felt like I would never be anyone's best friend. In highschool I was not in the same class as any of the other girls from that group. I felt like an imposter with them and spent less and less time with all of them until I eventually admitted I was going to hang out with my classmates. They said it was ok. My class mate was Brigid from grade one that had come back. I think I was hoping I could retrace back to that security of grade 1. Cassandra from grade 1 had also returned at some point but had stuck with her new classmates in primary school. She was also in my class. Brigid was like a group leader and she had her followers. We stayed close until grade 10 but as usual there were always others and I was a follower of her not an equal. At some point she decided to move friends and I followed, she wasn't at school much so I had back up friends all over, to visit on the days I would be alone. I ended up hanging around Vanessa and Keren a lot. They were best friends, and I was the third wheel. I was closest to Keren and shared the most with her, as we were both a lot more shy than Vanessa. Some part of me felt that the only bond we had was school, because once I graduated, we didn't hang out, mostly my fault I think. The longer I left it the harder it was, and the less genuine the friendship felt. I hung out a lot with a guy I had a crush on, who wasn't that into me, but was happy enough to have me around when he wasn't dating anyone. I convinced myself that that was enough for me. I can see in my mind how I withdrew a little more each year, and convinced myself that the lack of friends was of my own choice. That I liked it that way. I was friends with everyone and didn't get into that whole popularity thing, with all the different groups. That kept me safe. I wouldn't feel rejected if I didn't give them the chance. With boys I would back off as soon as I got them. As soon as it seemed intimate and personal, I couldn't get away fast enough. With my husband I recognized this pattern, and made myself hang around even after that feeling kicked in. It seems the more they liked me, the more creeped out I felt. Intimacy issues?
To break the habit I have to see it as no longer useful. What do I risk by allowing someone in? What can they take from me? Nothing? They will see that I am imperfect and not worthy of being a best friend. Maybe I am just too lazy? So what. Maybe I am lazy and not perfect. They probably aren't perfect either. An analytical type doesn't like to do something unless they can do it well. We don't like being shown up. "If something is worth doing, it is worth doing badly, at least at first." I think that is a CWG quote. I may not be the best company, but I can choose to do it imperfectly at first, and see if I get better. "To be or not to be" I really never got that before. I choose to be, who I want to be.