Old Hurts

Found a blog called designing fairy, and one of her posts was "If it's heavy it's old", advice from the fairies. Basically it means that the emotions that feel heavy, are the ones we have been carrying around for the longest. I think one of the oldest ones for me is to do with being best friends. I had a date with my husband on our wedding anniversary, and I spent some time later uploading all the photos on my phone through his connection. I had some sad feelings come up, while I was looking at the ones from the first week in the year, when we went to Tambourine. I remember not talking to you much that day, he said. Me too, I said. Things have been different lately but that one emotion just keeps coming up. That's because it's older than me and him. I have my own baggage that adds to the issue.
I don't remember being someones favourite, or best friend, at all in school. Everyone already had their friends when I came around. Maybe Brigid was in grade 1. I thought Vanessa was a good friend, but Jemma told me not to play with her in grade 3 because she was her new friend. I still felt bitter about that when she came in to have her hair cut with me 20 something years later. Another friend changed schools and had new friends when she came back years later. I often played alone though I didn't really have enemies. I just didn't belong to anyone. In later grades I had a girlfriend say I was her best friend in the country, but her real best friend was in America so I was the 2nd best friend. My friends in highschool were Keren and Vanessa, they were best friends and I felt like a third wheel a little. The closest thing I had was my brothers girlfriend of 10 years. We knew each other so well and had an easy friendship. After they broke up, we kept in touch for a while but just weeks before my son was born she wrote a letter breaking all ties with me and any of our family so she could move on. I've always felt I must have been a crappy friend because I didn't drive and she had to always drive to me. I don't have any other close girlfriends that could be considered anything close to being my best friend. Just work aquaintances, that would drift apart if I no longer had work in common. I have my sister thank God, but even she has a huge circle of friends to choose from. My husband never cheated on me, but I was deeply hurt that he had a friend whose company he seemed to like better than mine. It felt like a huge rejection, and I think it is one of the things holding me back now. It is a huge responsibility I place on him, to make me feel that I am his best friend unconditionally. If I surrender myself to the relationship, then I give him the power to hurt me like that again. He's a bit of a lone wolf and always has been, so I think he understands this, and that's why he has felt threatened in the past of me spending time with other people. I guess this is something we have in common.