So I got some of my answers. I'm not anxious anymore. I think I'm just sad, and as I roll it around in my head and find sore spots I see which bits of the situation hit on my personal fears. I think I could have been ok with the sex, if Id seen it as part of a consensual thing we had discussed and found boundaries before, and if we were in a really secure point in our relationship, because there have been some weeks obviously that are easier than others. Only a few weeks past I received a text saying that even though we'd discussed it, he had never been with anyone while he was away and wanted me to know. So it feels to me like this was a significant indication to him that I needn't worry because he didn't need that. So should I worry now because he obviously did?

My other sticking point is finding out that he has been stressing out that I brought up living together. I had been so nervous to mention it after he talked about moving to my estate, but it seemed like a logical conversation to have if he was moving, and to my surprise his response was that it made sense and wouldn't be so hard because he was in a furnished place. I still had my hesitations and mentioned them to him, but I was happy at his response and I know it made me feel good to think that he thought he could be the person in my life like that. So I was excited and then disappointed to find it wasn't going to work, but ok with it because it would have added extra challenges for us to work through, and thought he was on the same page. Now I find he wasn't and I understand those fears and even expressed some of them myself, I'm sad he didn't share those with me. It feeds into my fear or belief that he will one day find being with me too much and I will only know when he is already leaving me.

Am I trying so hard to not be hard to be around, easy going, that we are together because it's easier than being apart, and he doesn't have to make a choice. I didn't think so until yesterday, but I probably should have. I let the idea be bigger than the reality and got caught up feeling loved, even though I don't really believe romantic love exists.

It's been my mantra for a few years that I feel feelings, but I don't trust them. I get caught up in feeling cared for and get attached and get my feelings hurt, but I remind myself that human brains aren't wired to sustain relationships, they are wired to survive at all costs and produce the best environment to create offspring. 

Also misery is just attachment to a certain outcome. When I decide "this is the right way" for something to go, and I don't just work with the experience that is, and project that onto other people to fit in with.

I'm torn between needing to protect myself from the hurt if/when another relationship goes sour, or throw myself in knowing it will hurt more.

If I look at that as a limiting belief, and try to create a vision of what my desired outcome would be, I guess I need some examples of what that would look like, and what steps I could take to make that work. Obviously I can only effect my half of a relationship, but nothing is ever promised. Even if the other person thinks they want that. So I guess I need to practice accepting what is and non attachment to the outcome, while focussing on what is right now, not in the past and not "maybe one day in the future". I can only effect the right now anyway.