Open for real

I'm rattled today. I've contemplated open relationships..logically understand them, and have dabbled in sharing. I've given permission for my partner to explore sexual experiences without me.  I've still needed to really evaluate how I feel today, and I don't even trust feelings. Initially a hot flush, surprise, panic,  what does it mean for us if he's taking me up on that? It's normal to feel jealous. Was he thinking about me? Did I cross his mind? Does this prove I should give up on the idea of conventional monogamy? Was she younger, prettier? What did they talk about? Did be enjoy it more?  If so is that because of novelty?  After all how much novelty can I provide? Will he want to explore more of this now?  Do I want to?  At the moment still no. I think if I did, it would be to help myself pull back from being over-attached. I don't think I want to put up protective walls. But then I wonder if doing anything else is naive. Have I presumed too much of the relationship?
I realise most of my questions pop up as a result of my own insecurities and aren't really reflective if anything to do with his night. And I do really want him to be able to experience what he missed out on in a long marriage and not feel constrained by being with me.
The other bit is just having questions. I like to know all the factors before I make a decision and I really don't know how this affects him so can't decide how I feel.
I dint want this to be a taboo topic. A fun experience he can't share with me in case it stirs up jealousy. But I don't know how much I want to know or what is healthy to know.
Boundaries? I think I'm OK because he was out of town. I think I will be more jealous if he maintains contact with her.
I'm sorry this is a night he can't see me because he's parenting. I know I'm in my head and he probably is too and just processing until I can see him and try gauge what impact this has.
The other concern I have is that my logic is telling me this is all good. Am I looking at my needs clearly?  The needy me needs to be someone's number 1. Is that realistic?  He is mine. I don't imagine some better offer out there.
Is this an added layer of emotional stress being a female with all the bonding hormones?  Or is pretending I can ever fulfil all someone's needs the cause of stress. More questions than answers really. I have no crystal ball to see how both paths would play out. Just have to be as open and honest as I can and go with what cones back to me.