Eergh. What a shit weekend.
So he just wants to be friends. The man who doesn't like making choices made a choice, and it was to NOT be with me. So what do I do now? I care too much to not turn up to anything he is offering, but something is lost. Part of the appeal of us was that I could say anything and not fear reprisal, that he would accept or even agree with what I said. But what can I say now? That I still want him? That it hurts when he doesn't text me, because it reminds me he chose to not be with me, and it hurts when he does text me because it reminds me of what he's doing without me that we were meant to be doing together.
My logical brain says I need to have enough time apart to heal. To be sad that I wasn't enough. When I text first, I feel stupid. After all he chose NOT to be in the relationship, so why would he want to hear my inane crap still. What does it say about how I value myself, if I still wait to talk to the man who just wasn't into me enough to stay. Is it just misguided hope that keeps me talking to him? That he'll come out of his slump and realise it was just the depression talking, but no. He thinks it's for the best.
Trying to maintain the friendship. Staying in touch is going to hurt. Hearing when he finds someone else will make me sick. And he wont tell me straight away, just like he didn't want to hurt Char, he wont want to hurt me by telling me, but that will just mean more small talk, less real conversations and honesty, and that's not what I want.
I thought I had my person. My best friend to last. I know I'll be fine on my own. But I'll always think how I missed out on being with him and wonder why it didn't work.
I need to get used to being alone again, and then find someone who wants me enough to stay even when it's not easy. Try assuage my doubts that there's someone more compatible than he was. If Dan couldn't stay what do I have to offer most of the other typical guys I've come into contact with. Maybe a woman is my best bet? Or maybe I'm wrong and there's more people out there who could work for me?
I feel the easy option has always been a clean break. Don't see their social media, stop texting and move on. Find a distraction. Meet someone new. I think last time he broke off with me, I allowed my "distraction" to treated me poorly. So I probably need to build my self esteem up before I let myself be vulnerable to someone else.
I recall we talked about friends of ours who were in an on off couple. She doesn't really want him long term and has told him, but they fall back into the familiarity and comfort of one another. Dan had said that the guy knew it wouldn't last but still went back, sort of meaning it was his own fault, when he got upset that she wouldn't commit. And I remember saying that I thought I could be that person with us, taking what crumbs I could get because I knew he didn't want a relationship but I couldn't say no to what affection I would get.