Just feeling out the waters

Today I applied for a job. Two actually. One for my husband, and one for myself. After I finished my first shift, I was feeling tired and emotional. This "play" stuff is really hard for me. I'm sure for most people that would be the easy part of the job, but the pressure to be "fun" is really getting to me lately. Some of the work I need to get A to do is quite frustrating for him. He really tries to say the words, but the syllables come out mixed up, and back to front. I think to his ears he is getting it right, so why am I not giving up the goods? I don't know how to create success with the language tasks, because I can't prompt them. I feel like the rewards should be awesome, to make it worthwhile persisting. Being stuck in his bedroom for three hours with his same toys, it falls to me to provide the novelty. With C I have to work hard to get smiles, and not the crazy laugh ones, but attentive enjoyment. I can only be big for so long before I wear out. So I have begun to appreciate what the website was talking about when they said this is not a job for introverts. I can get smiles, and keep it fun, but it comes at a personal cost to me. By the end of the day I was out of my slump, but I decided to follow through on one of the jobs I had seen. Where's the harm in applying?
Part time Library Technician

This position requires a person for 3 days per week, with clerical, computer and interpersonal skills, who is able to work in a demanding school situation with a willingness to learn new programs and systems. A library qualification would be an advantage.

The position is at a private school down here on the coast. I have no library qualification, but since they only said advantage, I am not excluded. I can use a computer, understand the Dewey system, can file, catalogue and learn all the other skills required. My lifestyle doesn't clash with the Christian values of the school, so maybe there is a chance. I could still work 2 days with my ABA work, which might remove the pressure of having to be "on" all the time. I would dissapoint the families I work with, and Nina, who has ideas of me taking on a training role with the families. I am reluctant to do that, but don't want to be misleading them with my efforts in therapy time either. They all say I am doing such a good job, and maybe I could just tweak a few things to get myself back on track, but I am glad I have admitted to myself that I may not be suitable for the job after all. I was reluctant to come right out and say that maybe such a big change had actually been a mistake. I think my sads were a result of not thinking enough about my options. It felt like "This was a mistake. I shouldn't have tried changing at all. Now I have to just go back to hairdressing." I am not ready to take that road yet and give up. I may need to try on a few outfits before I find the right one. I left for a reason. This role has been good for fitting in around school hours. At the moment with my husband not working, I have been doing afternoons too, but if he finds work, I can scale that back. That might help with the job satisfaction too. Getting a balance back. This job also gives me a sense of purpose in going to work. It is because it is important that I give myself such a hard time. I really want to know that I have done something purposeful with my life, that I can be proud of. That pride is a tricky thing though. Am I worried what other people think of me? ... Always, and I want to make sure I make decisions for myself not to please others. Not the "others" that I perceive to be in judgement of me anyway.
T.V. night tonight. Survivor.