I win

Thought I had better update where I am in this relationship process. I am back at home after moving out and into my sisters house for a few days. My husband and I had decided that our life goals were too different. We were both becoming resentful of not being able to live our lives the way we wanted, despite caring for each other. Neither of us had planned for this decision so I didn't move out immediately. My husband has been the home carer for 5 years now, so we needed to make plans for money and homes for the kids first, but after two weeks of sleeping in the same bed I realised that I needed to get out of the house. I was becoming exhausted trying to keep it all together and going to work as well. So my sisters picked up some of my stuff and I had my first night of being a single mum. I didn't like it. My husband had written me a parting letter explaining his perspective on things, and also a jar of memories of our time together. I thought we were just torturing each other by reminding ourselves of these things as we were arranging our new lives apart. I just couldn't think of anything anymore and went numb. I was actually very efficient during those two weeks as I tried to shut down the emotional part of me. I even came up with a few things to look forward to, like being able to cook foods my husband didn't like and decorate a house however I wanted, and get rid of lots of stuff. I left the kids at my mothers overnight, and my husband messaged me in the morning and I agreed to walk the dogs on the beach with him. We were polite, but there was not much talking really. At least we were not getting nasty about things, I thought. In the afternoon when I called to arrange the kids swap he seemed angry. Sharing kids is horrible for everybody. When he sent the message saying he was coming down and did I want to meet him at the park I sensed a change in the tone. I know you can't get emotions out of a text message, but I always get a sense of his mood as I read them. His mood seemed lighter in the park but still polite. A few times I went to hug him out of habit but stopped myself, it didn't seem appropiate. We walked and played for a couple of hours and I thought he must have been trying to get quality time in with the kids, but just as I was about to head back to my sisters he hugged me and said he hadn't wanted me to leave. I was so confused by this point. Our reasoning was sound, we couldn't make us work, so why was he stirring up emotions? He asked if I could take the kids back to my sisters and spend a few hours alone with him, so we walked back hand in hand. I had planned to have dinner with my mum and sisters, but we wandered down by the water and talked. I felt that he wanted me back, but I didn't think we could make it work. He asked what it would want if we weren't in this situation, and I said what I always wanted. A home close to the water and walking distance from things, more time with my kids, someone to talk to, kids going to school near by. He wanted to hug me and kiss me but I still wasn't sure. None of our problems had changed, I told him all the things that had made me sad. All the hopes I had that I had given up on. Feeling lonely in my own home, and missing out on my kids growing up. We talked about things we missed about our life, and he kept saying, What would you want? I kept reminding him how we had reached the decision to separate. That night we sent messages back and forth about where we went wrong, and what we had learned. In the morning he sent me that he had dreamed of the place we use to talk about going to. He sent me a photo, as he had been online looking it up. (this was early, and we didn't stop texting till midnight) did I want to go with him to the beach? Yes, I did. Before he left he asked my sister to help get me back.
He had found homes for us to live together, close to the water, together. We could move the kids down to a school nearby. He had sold the race car that always required a shed. He would find a job, and I could work less and spend time with the kids more. Would I give it a try? I thought If I win, I lose. I never wanted him to give up his dream. These were all things that were supposed to ber important to him. The things he hadn't been able to give up to live with me. He would resent me later on when he realised what he had given up to be with me. But he said he only realised after I left that none of it was really important. What was important was being with me. Would I give it a try? Would I come home? It was everything I wanted. A year before I would have been leaping with excitement. In fact I think I did the first time round. This time I was holding back until I knew it would work. Was I giving in too soon? Should we just be single? Maybe we are just different and this is just last minute resistance. But it felt too horrible to be separating and too easy to allow it to fall back in to place. It just felt right. I repacked my bags and decided to go home that night. I felt happy again for the first time in weeks. The next day he decided not to wait till the lease ended to move the kids school, he would enrol them right away to start next week. I would not have to see the other woman from school. I had wrested him away from her grip without ever having to tell him to choose, he had decided for himself. I won.