I still don't know

Now I will probably repeat myself a bit here, as I'm still muddling over the personality types. I have tried to be so many things over the years, I don't know which is the real me. Introverted is easy. I express this one very obviously in my reserved behaviour, slow responses, quietness, not good in crowds or centre of attention, alone time. I identify with this above the other preferences. I think it masks some of the other traits in me, for example my antisocial behaviour, based on fear of groups and rejection, was to me a signal to the clinical nature of the thinker. Now I don't think so. My only extraverted expressions seem to be when I get talking about the conclusions I have come to from my reading. I also used to be a bit chatty at times in class, not at lunch time though. It was when I had a captive audience of one seated next to me.

My intuitive traits; I walk into walls and benches because I don't see them. I remember why I did something not what I did, for example in a haircut I have to remember my conversation and goal to trigger my memory of the actual techniques. I don't remember numbers or dates. I was always a daydreamer. Me and my sister imagined our futures constantly. I theorise. I found a note from my old best friend reminding me of our natural progressions, we looked for the connections between things. I see making connections as my best skill. I look for alternate solutions for things. When I see a haircut I see how I would improve on it. I used to leave more untidy ends on my haircuts through not being systematic, but have learned to apply more structured technique. I started cutting because I just knew how I wanted my hair to look. I draw loose blurred pictures not precise detail. I use loose grammar.

My tricky sensing habits areI don't see myself as creative. I struggled to come up with new artsy ideas in school. I see myself reinterpreting others work rather than being completely original. Hairdressing is to a certain extent history repeating itself, I see it as a craft more than an art. with form following function. I guess that could be N after all, assessing the function then making the connection to visualising the form.

My feeling traits; I don't know how I misssed them for so many years. Another note from the friend was the difference between my tact and her lack of it. I sometimes think I am not affectionate enough or demonstrative of my love, but I am still driven by emotions. I relate to the idealist. I was vegetarian because of animals and ethics, not because of science. I am suspicious of the medical system and their complete dismissal of anecdotal evidence. I can't sell something I don't believe in. I relate to the idealist character, as my husband pointed out that my seemingly changing aspirations all share the common denominator of wanting to help people make improvements. I preferred english and social studies to maths and chemistry. In science I most liked biology. I worry about how people will be affected by things. I empathise with characters in stories who endure bad things. I cry. I might not do it loudly and out in the open, but I cry a fair bit actually. I used to cry even more, and be more of an emotional rollercoaster. I take offense to percieved sleights. I hate being yelled at. I don't tolerate it at all. That is my biggest turn off in men/bosses, etc. I see no reason to yell. Yet I yell at my kids sometimes. I hate that I do. I worry that I will mess up my kids down the track. I think my husband worries how they will cope in that moment, and worry about the emotional scars. Because I was thought of as geeky and smart, I assumed I was a logical thinker. I try to avoid having my feelings hurt at all costs.

I don't like to run late, but I think that is mostly a feeling influence as I don't like to upset or dissapoint people, or create conflict. I don't like people running late for me, unless they call. I get a bit anxious when waiting around for something, yet, I can't make decisions easily, and I don't like to be limited by people. Don't dismiss the other options too readily. I cut cautiously and tell my clients they can always take of more. I go with the flow instead of imposing, but is that my F or I nature? I have some rules about things. I like to do things myself so I can do it the way I like. but I am always gathering information. I like to offer alternative conlusions. I push clients to give me more information, asking questions when I think their request was too vague. I can't make a decision without more info. The fact that I can't even decide what my own preferences are. If feelings are involved the decision is harder. I'm tired and can't commit to one or the other but I guess INFP seems the most likely suspect. I think I was more true to type when my husband met me and now I have blurred the lines a little more. Maybe he liked it when I could get depressed and he could save me?