honesty project

Life's good.

2010-08-10T20:57:00.002+10:00

I haven't been around here much lately, have I? Not much to say I guess. One possibility is that I am baing more honest in my relationships, so I have less to unburden on here. Life is pretty good at the moment. My husband is working full time in a pet supply store. I have taken over the general running of the house, and the main share of meal preparation and cooking. It doesn't feel overwhelming, despite not working any less hours. I think because I can decide how and when everything gets done. I am still doing well at my job. The parents all seem to appreciate me, and the children are making progress. My children actually look forward to their one afternoon a fortnight in after school care. I have had thoughts about hairdressing again, at some point. It still has the same drawbacks as ever, but it seems easier to see them clearly after stepping back. My current job is more "real" now that I have been doing it for 9 months. As opposed to being the fantasy of what you think a job will be. I anticipate changes around Christmas at any rate. My two days a week family is going to Korea, and the child I spend most of my other time with, will be in school. The school doesn't allow a therapist to be brought in privately, which I can understand if they have qualified aides in the position. One of my supervisors has mentioned changing my role with her to involve spending one day a week with a range of families as a lead therapist. Helping to push through their programs, and help the parents to implement the tasks day to day. I don't have as much contact with her lately though, seemingly due to a glitch on behalf of one of our emails. Wait and see. Freeing up my time could be what I need to further my studies. Or I could work in a salon just around the corner, saving time on travel and study at my own whim, while making money from the skills and talents I already have. I am not overly swayed by any of them. I remember learning that if I am really excited about something, I probably am not looking at it in a realistic way. The reverse is true if I am being overly pessimistic. There are always as many good things as bad in any choice, if we will let ourselves see them all. So I guess it is a good thing to be able to look at all the choices impartially. When I first thought about enrolling in Uni, I felt in a rush to do it quickly, I am glad I waited and didn't get sucked up into the initial panick of a deadline. Part of the appeal of the salon life is getting dressed up. Odd because this is exactly what I have enjoyed not having to do for the last 9 months. A year of invisibility seems to be required for me every 7 years or so. Like the 7th day of rest. All the fashion pages that I deleted from my bookmarks are calling me, and I have flicked through more fashion magazines with enjoyment. All this could be satisfied with a new wardrobe and a new approach to getting ready each day, regardless of my job. It reminds me of the advice they give to people who work at home. Don't spend the day in your pyjamas, get up and make yourself ready for work. Just because I spend the days with children, doesn't mean I can't be happy with the way I look. Anyway I should go and get some coins together for the toothfairy. She didn't make it to our house last night, and it's the third tooth to spend more than one night waiting.

A bit of superficiality for the weekend

2010-07-11T17:45:00.004+10:00

I drew some pictures, and my daughter joined me. I Must remember she is only 7, and not try to give her too many tips. I did get her to use some different materials though, and to use her craft books as inspiration, rather than to copy directly. My guitar on the other hand, sounds terrible. Hopefully, that's because I haven't restrung it in about 12 years, not because my playing is just getting worse. I still stuck at it for a while. Eventually I gave up, and let my playlist randomly select music to listen to. That made me feel better. If only it wasn't so cold in this room in winter I would do that even more often. My husband and I took Aurora out for a dinner date last night while my son was at a sleep over. I had been feeling a bit invisible lately. It has been about 7 months since I last worked in the salon, where I would get dressed up and put on my face each day. I went to the local op-shop and found some clothes to play with and trimmed my hair into shape and made up my face. Aurora got to dress up in her most over the top dress and wore some lipgloss too.

We dined in a fine dining restaurant. My duck spring rolls, with hoisin sauce and coriander pesto was delicious. The chef made me an alternate salad to go with my BBQ bugs since the mint in an thai salad usually puts me off. It was lovely and spicy with lots of crisp bean sprouts. I was a little disappointed with my sticky date pudding, but luckily D offered to swap his chocolate fondant which was biscuity on the outside, and gooey on the inside. I felt bad about Jaiden not getting to partake in the whole experience, so when we picked him up this morning, we took off down the coast to shop and go out for yum cha. We have been meaning to take the kids to yum cha for at least a year now, but never got around to it. I wasn't particularly looking forward to the food. I imagined a lot of gluggy fried and doughy food, but was happy to find some yummy green beans, and prawn rice paper rolls, that were deep fried and sprinkled with sesame seeds, that were perfect.
The shopping trip was a success also with new jeans found for D to wear to his new job tomorrow. I also managed to find a flashing lights marble run, to use in therapy tomorrow. I have been wanting to get one that could be built cooperatively with the child, the lights are a bonus. Aurora and I both got a pretty top. Jaiden got new Hi top boots to get around in (his sneakers look like they are about to fall apart) and a cool trilby hat. We are going to play Karaoke next with the new microphones and music we picked up for the xbox. School olidays are almost over, and I barely feel like they have begun. Next term I am going to take a week off with them.

2010-07-09T15:03:00.002+10:00

Sitting in front of the tv (during the childbirth scene in Glee) I explained what it meant to have your waters break. (I compared it to the white in an egg, and the egg cracked, for a 7 and 8 year old) This got Jaiden asking why him and his sister were not more similar, since they are both from D and I. I pointed out that they are both a mixed bag of the both of us, just with different bits each. Jaiden has my colouring but D's build, and my love of books. Aurora has her fathers Malaysian colouring, but some of my features. I pointed out that her personality was all her own, meaning that she is more extroverted than me, but before I could explain she said "yeah, because I like to draw lots and sing." I had to stop and think for a second, because I love to do those things. But I don't DO them. My guitar has been neglected, and I haven't picked up my pencils for a long time. I should have taken the easel Mum kept for me, but I said I had no room. No room, or no time. Always my excuse. I used to get in trouble for talking a lot too. Which I told her. She was relieved, I think, that I could relate. "But I never get onto a step for it though" she assured me. I used to take forever to eat, like her. I sang in my room, which was always messy. I think that our personalities are more similar than I had thought. I just got distracted.

Bookfest!

2010-07-03T09:07:00.005+10:00

Yesterday on the way home from work I met my family at Bookfest. The big annual booksale run by lifeline. The charity supports people in so many ways when they are down on their luck. Books start from 50c and the most expensive I bought was $6. We spent about $120. I had fun last night rearranging everyones bedroom bookshelves, and rotating the new books with the old in the family shelf. We don't keep all our old books either, so we tend to donate as many bags as we take home. I grabbed a couple of kids books with good animal and colour pages to help teach those to the kids I work with. I like that the animal book has lots of different sheep on the sheep page, and lots of dogs on the dog page. This helps the kids to realise all those different looking animals, belong to the same species, and then that all those different creatures are animals that live with people. I also found a book with only one word HUG. The kids can follow the story from the pictures and learn about sequence, without needing to read words. Some books are by Raymond Feist, author of Magician, one of my favourite early fantasy books. I usually don't reread but am starting to compile books that my son can read as he gets older. My husband is beginning to read also, and he likes to own things, where I usually am happy to just borrow. They both seem to enjoy the whole fantasy genre. I got one from Anne McAffrey who wrote a whole series about the dragons of Pern. A twist on fairy tales with "Blood red Snow white", that is set in Russia during the time of the 1st world war and the political revolution. It was shortlisted for a childrens award, but I will enjoy reading it too I think. Labrynth, which is a search for the Holy Grail type book. With a book called "A secret history" I am detecting a theme in my books of having some history woven in.Tim Winton, who is an Australian author. Anita Shreve, because I have never read her. A copy of spiritwalk, by Charles DeLint. I love his books and have read most, so this is another one for the family to read. I need the second book in the Eragon series, but I figure those books are huge, so I have another year or two to find it 2nd hand, before my son wants to read them. I am going to try to wait until he is ready, and then read them together. One my son found, was a follow on to Peter Pan that looked good. Lots of girly books and magazines for my daughter. A collection of John Steinbeck, a copy of Pygmalion, and a few cook books. I haven't covered it all obviously. I just want to sit in bed and read them all. I am almost finished a book called "Why you should read Kafka before you waste your life". Oddly enough I have never read Kafka, but if the book is accurate then most of the translations are skewed by the popular interpretation of his motives. I am mostly liking the history given in the book, which he is using to set the background. Being that Kafka was a German-Jew, and most interpret his work through the lense of the Holocaust, the author tries to show the mind set of Prague before all that happened. I learnt very little about world history at school. What I learned of Australian history was not very inspiring. Even our Anzac Day education told little of the causes of the wars we were involved in. So I am making a point of taking it all in now. I can't teach my kids if I don't know it myself.
On that point, I have discovered kids really love to learn. They don't like being tested so much but learning to do stuff is great fun. That's why so many kids have rooms full of discarded toys. You get it, you learn everything there is to know about it, then it's life is over. Next! I am going to make a point to help my kids learn stuff they can use. Cooking, reading, functional science, money, and about the world. I found our Atlas and Globe are both old enough to have East Germany, and not have Ukraine, or Georgia and all of those previous Soviet states. That's a place to start on my History/Geography lessons.
The sun is out for now though, so I might take my books to the park with the kids for a bike ride. I also need to make a visit to my sisters slumber party tonight, but I think with that many girls I should be able to sneak out early to read some more. I like time with my sisters better when I don't have to share them.

2010-06-12T18:19:00.003+10:00

So my blog looks a little different now. I got lured in by the new templates. I figured since I don't often put pictures on my posts it needed some livening up. Actually I am probably just bored and this is what I felt like looking at. Water is always good to add to anything as far as I'm concerned. I thought of putting a photo my husband took of a butterfly, in place of the rainforest but I have so many pretty photos lately from our walks that it was hard to choose. The little mushrooms are another favourite. I went to Movie World today. Finally got Jaiden onto the Batwing ride.

It shoots you up fast into the sky and then falls and bounces back down. Similar to the Tower of Terror ride that Dreamworld has. It was our last visit before our passes expire. Tomorrow I am torn. Part of me wants to shop for the last minute pink things for my daughters birthday next weekend. The other thinks I should head out to the "Green Day Out" and support the local environmental groups. There are animals, and bands playing and it is family friendly. My sister is going, and my husband is driving down the coast to another festival anyway. Never enough hours in a day. My planning wouldn't take all day, maybe I can do both if I stop in at the shops with a list on the way home. I might let the weather make up my mind for me. I do wish I saw more live music though, and this would be a perfect opportunity. If I don't organise tomorrow then I can do it on the Saturday while Aurora is at a girlfriends birthday party. Now that I have the craft idea organised, (making friendship pins) the rest is just shopping stuff.

I read the new Kathy Reichs book last night. It was a last minute grab while picking up the last Harry Potter for Jaiden from the library. I have another fiction to start tonight, from a new author. Nora Roberts. New to me at least. Coincidentally Nora is who Temperance (character in last nights book) wanted to be reading. Other books I grabbed were one on Messy Play, one on sensory issues and how to deal with them and one of Stanley Greenspan's books, about treating ADHD without medication. It actually has some great ideas for helping children with sensory dysfunction too. I like that Greenspan looks at an individual childs personal strengths and weaknesses in talking about an intervention. His ideas still include ABA, in my opinion, but not as discrete trials. He suggests finding out, through observation, why the child is behaving in a certain way. This may include sensory perceptions being processed differently, fear, pain, or attention. He advises caregivers to meet the child at their level to engage their motivation to play, and gently expand the thought process of the child to include new ideas. The idea being that the children have been conditioned by negative experiences to behave the way they do. If interacting has been painful because of how their brain processes the noises involved, that child will learn not to interact. If we make interacting less painful, by controlling the environment and modulating our voices, a child may overcome the initial bad experience and come to enjoy interacting. I think I would like to know more about correcting/improving a childs sensory processing, if it is making life hard for a child. Most of the sensory book was about making accomodations for the child, rather than Research into brain plasticity has shown that areas of weakness can be trained and strengthened. Greenspan does seem to address this in his work. Usually by working with the child at the developmental level they meet the criteria for, and working through the patterns a typically developing child would. By finding out the senses that a child prefers to use, we can motivate them to use the senses they find harder. Engaging a visual child with a great looking environment, expressive faces etc while introducing them gently to more audio input, with some quiet songs. Or a keyboard with bright lights to engage the visual to make the sounds more appealing. Eventually as the child became more attentive to the other stimulus, the brain would expand the maps for that sense. I would like to eventually work with children with autism in a company that combined all the knowledge and therapies currently available to us. ABA and sensory input, and play therapy, and group work. With C, his brain seems not to process a lot of proprioceptive information. He has to touch, lick and chew things all the time to get input. If I start with the full on squeezes and pats and tickles he likes, and pair it with music which he loves, I should be able to reduce the amount I need to do, for him to notice. Then he will be able to hold a light pencil better, without needing funny grips or other accomodations.
Well it's too cold to sit down here any longer. I think a shower to warm up and into bed to read.

2010-06-06T14:44:00.004+10:00

What an exciting jam packed weekend. Friday evening began with me dropping over to my sisters house to give her husband a haircut. While I was there I gave a quick trim to both kids, and got an invite to breakfast at the local sports club the next morning. Breakfast was good and we made a dash into the shops to buy some pvc for me to use with messy play at work. No one wants slime all over their floors. Not resting for long though, I dropped the boys at home and drove to Seaworld with Aurora. Our passes expire at the end of this month, and my sister was taking her daughter. By the end of all that I was craving tasty food, so I suggested Thai. Aurora was exhausted by that time, so off to bed. She was still talking about the hip hop dance party I had told her about that afternoon. Jaiden was not as keen, but he never is until he gets there. Aurora loves singing, dancing, talking. Anything with an audience really. As an extra, the event organisers JettRoc were looking for two new faces, to represent their label, from the crowd. My sister came over for a breakfast of pancakes cooked by Jaiden. I was almost running late getting the kids dressed for the dance party. I managed to get there ok, considering I had never been to Sanctuary Cove, luckily it was fairly direct. The event was to raise money for 4ASD kids. A charity that raises money to support families of children with autistic spectrum disorders. At some point during the dance routine, I noticed Aurora had gotten off the stage. When I went to see what was wrong she told me she was the face of JettRoc! She got presented on stage and had some photos taken. On the holidays she will get a photoshoot for the label and she got to keep the dress. I was very proud.

Differing Philosophys

2010-05-31T19:20:00.003+10:00

Today was the first day working with D again, after he and his mother had been sick for a few weeks. In that time, she has had a consultation with a Speech Therapist, who has given her a few more things to think about. I get the impression though, that this therapist does not like ABA.
D's mum mentioned a few of the critisisms that were made. That ABA does not address language, and that some of the requirements were cruel. I am sure that is valid of some programs, but hopefully not ours. She uses Floortime, which is a child directed, play based therapy. I am hoping that she is happy to work with us, as I would like to learn some of her methods. I don't want my experience to be too narrow. Neither of the supervisors I work with, focus much on sensory issues. There was mention of a sensory diet, to be worked out by the OT. That is essentially a schedule of sensory input, to help the child remain calm and clear. She is also introducing PECS, so I need to train in that, since she doesn't want anyone using it untrained.(understandably)
I like that she has high standards of what she wants in place for D, but I'm hoping her ideas don't become the cause of conflict. I don't know enough to evaluate the superiority of one program over the other. I do think it would be cruel to withhold something the child wants, if they were unable to meet the criteria. The things I usually stand my ground on(even if the child protests), are the participation, effort and attending. As long as I am doing my bit and making it rewarding. I don't think it is unreasonable to expect a child to look at me, as a request, even if no sound comes out. Initially children will resist this, until they understand what I am asking/expecting. In Floortime, an expectant look is sometimes all that is required on a childs behalf, in a circle of communication. It also helps a child learn by imitation if they can look at me. It is a "learning to learn" skill. Being able to sit for a short period of time, is a "learning to learn" skill. Not screaming or hitting out is a "learning to learn" skill. Teaching all these without the kid even knowing that I am teaching.......even better. D is naturally very good at all his visual skills, now after a few sessions, he is learning to pay attention to my verbal cues. He is doing this because he wants to join in, and it makes it easier to get the prize, whether it be tickles, dancing, bubbles or chocolate.
There may be a possibility down the track, for me to do some work with C as an aide in his new school/care group. At the moment, my time with S would conflict, but once her mum is ready to continue on her own, I could do that. Always something new to learn around here.

Study?

2010-05-29T20:11:00.003+10:00

I have returned to my computer after bailing out on a movie my husband brought home. It was an end of the world type story with no food, man turned to cannibalism story. I still like happy endings in my movies.
My mood has been buzzy today. I have been contemplating applying to the local University to begin a Bachelor of Psychology. If my husband was working I would have applied today, since there is a mid-year intake, and there are only 2 weeks left before final offers. Any sort of deadline makes me a little flustered. Ideally I would speak to a careers counseller at the Uni, before applying. I fired off a brief email to one of the supervisors about future study options. I think I am just giving her an option to advise me not to do it. The other one has already told me she thinks it would be a waste if I didn't study one day.
Maybe July is too soon. I worry about the deadline causing me to make a rash decision. Studying Psychology has been a desire of mine since 10th or 11th grade though. It is the one field I always return to and can always find interest in. I left high-school 17 years ago, but always let circumstances get in the way. Missed out by one point, then wanted to move out, then needed to earn money, got married, had kids. Each seemed to say, not now, it's not the right time. At 33 years of age I still have a lot of working days left, and I don't want to regret not doing it. Even if I was a housewife for a few years while the kids go through school, that will end with me having plenty of productive years ahead.
My questions concern the outcomes. Will recieving a reduced income while I study, and having to pay for my education, be offset by my projected income. I was earning about 50,000 a year, by the end of my hairdressing career. Where will I be in 10 years after beginning this journey. Hopefully in a higher pay bracket, that will support my lifestyle and retirement, and assist in my childrens education. Also in a role serving the community, and also satisfying my need to learn. I like that there is both the research, and the application of psychology as an option, should I tire of working entirely in the application.
I still believe in things happening for a reason. Is this why I may be made to wait? Will the excitement for the idea fade in 6 months? If I believed in "law of attraction" I would have to apply. By waiting in case my husband is not working in a months time, am I helping to make it true? If I go ahead and do it, will that confidence help him get the right job? My faith is not as strong as it has been in the past. Is my reluctance a way to avoid testing my ability to perform? Maybe I'm not as smart as I thought, or I've led people to believe. Maybe I can't follow through for 4 years. I guess I stuck with hairdressing for over 11.
Tomorrow I am doing my Mum's cut and colour. I tried to be a good daughter this morning by inviting her over for pancakes with the family. She only lives a short walk away now, with my Dad, so I will see how I cope with having them both so close.
Oh well, a bit more research before bed.

Close ended Queen

2010-05-28T14:29:00.002+10:00

I'm excited today to have gotten some good feedback from the last clinic. One objective was to make the work tasks as close-ended as possible, so that C could easily see how much work was to be done to get the reinforcement. Apparently I am the close-ended queen! In any task, I only keep a certain number of items in front of me, and when they are cleared from the table, he has finished. For example, I have 6 crayons, and he puts each in a bucket when he has used it to draw the line or circle that I have asked. No more crayons, and he gets a song, or a chip, or a tickle. If he is naming pictures then I have 4 cards on the floor in front of him and as he hands me each one he names it. When there are no cards left, he gets whatever we have decided on. Puzzles are naturally close-ended, and so are books. C's mum just found a wiggles themed token chart, with 5 velcroed on characters. So for tasks with no tangible finish, each action would be rewarded a character, and when it was full, he is done. The supervisor wants to film some of the next clinic to use in training others. I find that feedback essential to my sense of success. We are adding more pictures to the program to help him understand what is happening, so I am going to be looking for a picture that represents tickles, and other non-tangible reinforcers, to have handy when he is working so he can rememer what he gets, and to help him communicate what he wants. His language is growing steadily, so we are not doing a pecs (picture exchange) program as such, but we all use visuals to help us with scheduling and memory. Catalogues, calendars, instruction manuals. These will act as his how to guide while he is working on his speaking skills. I am impressed that he is using Yes and No, in context now. The echolalia is slowly fading and being replaced by functional language.

Looking forward

2010-05-26T18:52:00.002+10:00

Well I am midway through my cycle, (yes, way too much information, but completely relevant to my state of mind) so I am feeling good about my job at the moment. After a conversation with one of my supervisors about why I'm not a university graduate, I got online and looked at the psychology course I would have originally applied for. The cut-offs are very different now and had I graduated last year and applied I would have been a shoe in. I missed out by a point, when the course became popular, and set it's cut off at 7. Now it is 15! I think with a degree behind me, I would be able to focus more on creating the programs, and not always implementing them. I am great at it in smaller doses, and good at problem solving, to come up with creative ways to approach the learning.
The course is offered at my local campus, and full-time is only 15- 20 hours a week on site for lectures and such. The course is partially government funded. There are different bands of support, and science gets more, but psychology is on the second highest band. Environmental science appeals too. Especially because of the potential high pay, and less social contact of the eventual job. Collecting scientific data. Field work. I would want to specialise on waterways, rather than mining type jobs. One drawback being that I didn't do grade 12 biology/ chemistry/physics, and would have to refresh my math knowledge after not using it for 17 years (oh my god, has it really been that long). My sister began the science degree but found it boring. She hated not knowing anyone there, but that wouldn't be an issue for me. Part of me feels if I didn't pursue it in school, I mustn't have a real passion for it. I have followed pop-psychology, but that may just be a female thing.
I also looked up Speech therapy, but the course is only offered in a University the other side of Brisbane, over an hours drive each way without traffic. I have been thinking about the way Elizabeth works. She is a speech therapist who I have seen twice through the children I work with. She is an older woman with a gentle nature. She is fun and caring, without having to be loud and brash. She certainly managed to get the attention of both the children I saw her with, very easily. I wonder if I would have the possibility, down the track, of sitting in with her for a few days, as a work experience type thing. She seemed very complimentary of me, during the time I was there, and afterwards to my Supervisor, so maybe she would be aggreeable to have me tag along. If I can bring some of what she has to my style I may feel better about not being so extroverted in my sessions. She seems to use both child led, and therapist led techniques.
I finished working with A today. His mother let me know on Monday that she feels capable now of continuing with his sessions. It is a little sad, and also a relief to be finished with his program. Being stuck in his little bedroom with limited toys as reinforcers was going to leave me stuck at some point. However I made progress with him today, and even found a new game that he would have been able to use. It's hard not to be the one following through on that progress.
I only worked 6 hours a week with him though, and have replaced his 2 x 3hour shifts, with one 5 hour shift at a higher pay rate with D. I will also be able to see C earlier in the day on Wed now, and probably add an extra hour there from time to time. It will be a step toward getting my afternoons back when my husband finds work, without having to lose money now.
He has had a couple of shocking days with his behaviour program. He is stimming less with his fingers and lips, but is having screaming outbursts, for which the consequence is, having the door shut on him in the laundry until he is quiet. He was in there a lot today. So I didn't get as much teaching done. His labelling, and language in general is doing so much better though, during the times he is not screaming. I had two great days in there where he was happy and present the whole way through. The clinic is tomorrow, and I will see where we are going with it.
The only other program I work on, which is the little girl with aspergers I see for 3 hours, is a bit of an"orphan" as my supervisor says. I just make it up each week, and the superviser is content to leave me to it. We are currently working on fine motor skills, with tracing letters and cutting lines in paper. Some board games, and Uno to be able to play with others. I want to work on her being able to maintain eye-contact while speaking, and finding creative ways to enter other childrens pretend games. She fits fairly well on the norm for her age as far as I can see developmentally, but I haven't seen her interact with her peers very much.

Just feeling out the waters

2010-05-18T19:51:00.002+10:00

Today I applied for a job. Two actually. One for my husband, and one for myself. After I finished my first shift, I was feeling tired and emotional. This "play" stuff is really hard for me. I'm sure for most people that would be the easy part of the job, but the pressure to be "fun" is really getting to me lately. Some of the work I need to get A to do is quite frustrating for him. He really tries to say the words, but the syllables come out mixed up, and back to front. I think to his ears he is getting it right, so why am I not giving up the goods? I don't know how to create success with the language tasks, because I can't prompt them. I feel like the rewards should be awesome, to make it worthwhile persisting. Being stuck in his bedroom for three hours with his same toys, it falls to me to provide the novelty. With C I have to work hard to get smiles, and not the crazy laugh ones, but attentive enjoyment. I can only be big for so long before I wear out. So I have begun to appreciate what the website was talking about when they said this is not a job for introverts. I can get smiles, and keep it fun, but it comes at a personal cost to me. By the end of the day I was out of my slump, but I decided to follow through on one of the jobs I had seen. Where's the harm in applying?
Part time Library Technician

This position requires a person for 3 days per week, with clerical, computer and interpersonal skills, who is able to work in a demanding school situation with a willingness to learn new programs and systems. A library qualification would be an advantage.

The position is at a private school down here on the coast. I have no library qualification, but since they only said advantage, I am not excluded. I can use a computer, understand the Dewey system, can file, catalogue and learn all the other skills required. My lifestyle doesn't clash with the Christian values of the school, so maybe there is a chance. I could still work 2 days with my ABA work, which might remove the pressure of having to be "on" all the time. I would dissapoint the families I work with, and Nina, who has ideas of me taking on a training role with the families. I am reluctant to do that, but don't want to be misleading them with my efforts in therapy time either. They all say I am doing such a good job, and maybe I could just tweak a few things to get myself back on track, but I am glad I have admitted to myself that I may not be suitable for the job after all. I was reluctant to come right out and say that maybe such a big change had actually been a mistake. I think my sads were a result of not thinking enough about my options. It felt like "This was a mistake. I shouldn't have tried changing at all. Now I have to just go back to hairdressing." I am not ready to take that road yet and give up. I may need to try on a few outfits before I find the right one. I left for a reason. This role has been good for fitting in around school hours. At the moment with my husband not working, I have been doing afternoons too, but if he finds work, I can scale that back. That might help with the job satisfaction too. Getting a balance back. This job also gives me a sense of purpose in going to work. It is because it is important that I give myself such a hard time. I really want to know that I have done something purposeful with my life, that I can be proud of. That pride is a tricky thing though. Am I worried what other people think of me? ... Always, and I want to make sure I make decisions for myself not to please others. Not the "others" that I perceive to be in judgement of me anyway.
T.V. night tonight. Survivor.

2010-05-15T19:08:00.004+10:00

I have been keeping up with my weekly walks with the family. I thought I'd share some photos . Both kids like taking photos, and my daughter has inherited my sisters old digital camera. We might actually be able to keep a better visual memory of our time from now on. These ones are from mothers day last week. We went up to Mount Tambourine. After driving around looking at houses views and wineries, we stopped into a cafe for breakfast and had a wander around the shops that were beginning to open. The original plan was to go to the markets, but I knew I would have heaps of time before my Mum and sister arrived. They still hadn't left home when we finished breakfast so we set off for a walk at Witches Falls. A 3km round trip 1/2 down hill, then all the way back up. These mountains were mostly made through volcanic activity and then eroded to become what we know today. It was amazing to see massive boulders that had slid down the cliff face hundreds of years ago, and had ancient trees grown over and around them. You can feel pretty small in the rainforest, but I like the tiny things too, like these mushrooms, and the little curled fern fronds, and moss.

Where does the similarity lie?

2010-05-15T17:07:00.003+10:00

Those tests of Simon Baron-Cohen have triggered a bout of self examination lately. Noticing which of my behaviours would make me stand out from the crowd. I also had the chance to look over a few items my mother kept from my childhood, that triggered a few memories. Someone did the test on Facebook, so I redid it, thinking I was being more accurate now that I have evaluated some of my strengths and weaknesses properly. My score was even higher on the Autism Quotient.
I think a good study/paper would be in what makes a genius, geek, or introvert, different to someone on the spectum. Maybe the whole idea is that there is no difference, (that's why it's a spectrum)just degrees of personality. Obviously from a diagnostic point of view, there has to be the "triad of impairments", in social relationships, social language and communication skills, and in imagination.
I think my understanding of the language is good. I absorb information better by reading it, than by hearing it. I think I read early, and I don't remember ever being told I spoke late. The "eye test" was fairly easy for me to get a high score. Maybe I don't get facial cues as well in real time, when I am thinking about the interactions going on. I have read books on body language over the years and am fascinated with that show "Lie to me", where they read body language and faces. I've always liked the idea of people watching, but in real life I don't really do it that much. I feel uncomfortable watching people if they might catch me staring, or I just get bored maybe. I do check people out on the rare occasion that I go to clubs. I watch instead of interact. I can't piece together a life story or anything, but I can usually spot who likes who, and who is trying to get rid of who, or is upset, or the third wheel.
My impairment would be that I speak to convey information, and forget about the interaction bit. My communication is a bit functional. (In fact I am discovering I am a bit "functional" in a lot of areas of thinking.) After a conversation I find myself thinking "Oh I should have asked her about......" "I was probably meant to say......". I know I haven't upheld the social aspect of the conversation. Or I think how I must have sounded like a know it all, as if I thought I knew better than them. I come across as a snob when people first meet me. They usually tell me this 6 months or so down the track if they get to know me better. People think I don't go up to them, because I think I am too good for them, not because I am frozen for what to say to them when they look so comfortable with the situation.
Far from believing other people have the same thoughts as me,(theory of mind) I tend to believe they know stuff I don't, and I better not let on that I don't know. When my brother was disappointed, it was upsetting to me. I could lie to get him out of trouble(and myself). I knew if my big sister was being mean, or if I finally had her attention. So I was affected by how others felt. I am a daydreamer though. I tend to not initiate interactions with people. I generally don't have friends that I don't run into during my week. If I don't run into them, I won't think of them for ages. Out of sight, out of mind. I don't do all those thoughtful things for people while I am going about my day. Hey, maybe that's it! I am a crappy multi-tasker! My social problems are less for lack of ability in seeing or understanding communication, but in not attending to more than one thing at a time. I can be very attentive to the person right in front of me. Hence, I did well in hairdressings one-on-0ne relationships. Then I don't think of them until I see them again. Which is still ok in hairdressing land.
As far as imagination goes, I like fiction, and can get right into a story and imagine all the characters. I think I respond to information, better than I initiate new ideas though. I find it easy to use metaphors and analogy, which is an area of weakness with autism. In school, when we read Animal Farm, it was easy for me to see how the animals represented players in the communist regime. Explaining this to the girls in my class, who couldn't understand why we were reading about farm animals, made writing the assignment simple.
Organisation is an area I had not connected with any of this until this week. My mother is moving house after almost 30 years. So I was rereading my school reports and throwing out anything unneccesary. My memory was of a bright well behaved student, but now I am recalling a few discrepancies to that story. I talked in class, and most teachers commented that I could do better if I paid more attention and completed all my work. In high school, I never had my timetable, and would just ask people all day where they were going, and surmise my whereabouts from that. I often walked from one end of the school to the other, hoping to see someone from one of my classes at a room I thought I should be in. It worked most of the time. Forgetting textbooks and even paper and pen was a regular occurance. It must have infuriated teachers that I could still answer most of their questions, because I got good grades despite my lack of organisation. One teacher actually advised me to keep doing my assignments the night before, since it seemed to work better for me than planning too far in advance and confusing myself. I tend to leave a trail of destruction behind me, as I wander off from something I have begun, and then get absorbed into something new. I lose things all the time. I'm certainly not a neat freak of the OCD kind. My cans don't all line up the same way in the pantry. (well not for long anyway) Apparently this is not completely foreign to autism. Organisation and sequencing are problem areas which relate to dual focus. Anticipating the outcome, while focussing on the immediate task.
So it appears I have tripped over the main deficit I share with people with Autism. Multiple focus. I guess I just had to follow it back to the root, to see where this outcome starts in all of us. I'm sure with a lot of ASD, this inability to focus derives from sensory and perception issues. In another it may be attention deficit issues caused by food? One difficulty with ASD is that we can only diagnose through behaviour or symptoms. Knowing the outcome doesn't mean you automatically know the cause, and each person may have arrived at the same "Autism" destination via a different pathway. Is multi-tasking difficult for a lot of introverts? Is that why we think, then talk, instead of doing both at once, and go into hiding for a little while each day to "process" things.
Now how do I improve my multi tasking?

is this it?

2010-05-12T07:58:00.002+10:00

Sometimes I think I like the idea of my current job more than I like the actual job. I am hormonal, and so my thoughts can get a little more anxious, and defeatist. However I used to always say that hormones were valuable to a woman, because it is the one time some of us speak up about things, that we suppress for the rest of the month. I don't know which this is, but in the early hours of the morning I found myself thinking "Isn't there a job out there that I should not feel anxious about in the mornings?" I like the programs. I like what they are doing for the kids. Are there people who do the teaching/motivating part more naturally than me, without having to really push themselves? I remember when I worked for a telemarketing company, and they brought up their all star team from Brisbane to show how it's done. They were people who rejection just rolled off. They were full of personality and humour, they were naturals. I feel like I get quieter and quieter with each rebuff. I can sound excitable to an extent, and if all I get back is a blank face I slow down. I know this is how mothers of autistic children would get. I am good at the perseverence bit. I can outlast a tantrum or showdown with a child, anytime. I can remain calm while doing so. I tell myself that if I wasn't worrying about my job, then I would not have chosen a worthwhile vocation. It may also just be my nature to be anxious. The parents seem to love what I do.
In the early hours of the morning, it was puzzles that came to mind. I am good at putting the pieces of information together, and seeing how they fit. Is that a job description for anything? I can see relatedness between things. One of my supervisors would like to change my role next year. (whenever I get the time on my hands, maybe when C goes to school) She suggests putting me with each family one day a week in a lead therapist position. 4 hours spent working with the child, and then one hour with the parent, helping them generalise the program and coordinating the rest of the team towards our goals. It sounds good, and maybe would give me more of a sense of being able to place the pieces of the puzzle.
My usual strategy for anxiety is study. Learn more, and have less to worry about. So I'm off to Autism Games to find some new ideas.

Why worry.

2010-05-11T20:18:00.003+10:00

I had a day at home today. I feel a little guilty for two reasons. One, because we could do with the money at the moment. Which I guess is not really guilt, but regret. Maybe I shouldn't spent money on the movies though. Second, is because I wished it out loud. I was meant to be looking after D today, and I only get the one day a week with him. I became sick on Sunday, so I cancelled my first appointment Monday to have time to recover, which I needed. On my way to my afternoon appointment I said "I really do wish I could have a holiday soon". I just wanted some time to not have to plan what to do, or try to be entertaining. That night I got a call from D's mum, saying he was quite ill, and not to come tomorrow, and while I was in the movie today, A's mum called to say they were both sick and not to come tomorrow morning either. I moved my afternoon appointment earlier tomorrow, but I still a get a slower start to my morning, and will be home with the kids in the afternoon. When my husband finds work again, I will feel better about taking some time off to not do anything. I really meant to do it at Christmas, but I was just starting to work with these families, and was so keen to be researching and working. We sold the boat we bought last year. Having never been out in it. Hopefully we can use the money to pay for a holiday. We haven't been away as a family for years it seems. I know we went to Murwillumbah, was it two years ago, but we didn't really do much together, as my husband was there for a car race of some sort, and had friends staying in the same place. Me and Aurora just did our own thing. I think it may have been 2003 when we last went away, just for the sake of a family holiday, with no other side project. It was before my digital camera in 2004 anyway. I think maybe is was our Bribie Island stay. I remember a photo of Aurora and Jaiden in our hotel room, and a trip to underwater world. One day I want to take a proper holiday. Even our honeymoon, was only a weekend away, and a year late. When I was living alone I had some of my savings put aside, for just such a holiday. Maybe I wouldn't have done it. I am pretty reluctant to spend my money on things, just in case we need them for the important things like rent and food and education etc. Hopefully with a lucky break, and some spontaneity on my behalf I will get that memorable holiday one day.

Love

2010-05-11T20:00:00.002+10:00

I do believe in love. I just finished reading one of my childhood books. A trilogy actually. Emily of New Moon, by L.M.Montgomery. I know I was led along the very path the reader was intended to. I was meant to feel the longing and the unjustness of it. Just like in Anne of Green Gables before it, I felt so sad about the characters long wasted years of being apart, because neither had told the other how they truly felt. This is a theme in so many old stories. When Emily was to marry her friend, though she didn't love him, I felt my mind race to get to the bit where she would realise her mistake, for surely she must end up with Teddy. Weddings, funerals, births and scandals. Plenty enough to talk about in a small town back then for years. Both Emily and Anne made me want to keep diaries, and write poetry. I never could get right into poetry though. Seemed like too many unnecessary words somehow. This is the closest I have come to consistently writing in a diary though. I don't know if it is technically a diary though when I don't really keep an account of the goings on around me.

It's all about me

2010-05-06T21:41:00.003+10:00

Been reading again. About empathy and autism. I used to remind myself that people like to be greeted in the morning. Good morning seems like an irrelevance, I know you're here, you know I'm here. I just sort of forget that it's expected. I sometimes forget that after someone asks how you are/what you did, you're expected to ask them the same. Is it that I just don't care? Goodbye is a little easier, because you are arranging when to see them again. Actually, I guess I was crap at this in the salon because I would see them all tomorrow. Was it really neccesary to go and find everyone and say goodbye? I learned to eventually. Is this how people become hypochondriacs? You study illness, and start to recognise yourself in one too many articles? I think I should read that book about the male brain. I do appreciate that there are a lot of neurotypical rude people out there. I am just feeling a little self-absorbed. Hell, that's what this blog is all about!
I find I never quite knowing when it is the right time to speak up and ask a question, so I don't. I believe I made a few social mistakes in school, and so learnt to stay quiet rather than make a mistake. I shared a few clients with a colourist in the salon. We would be eating in the back room after, and she would tell me so much about the client's personal life. When would she even get to ask these questions?(she worked fast) I would sense there was more between the lines that someone was telling me, but I felt it was not my place to ask. She would just jump right in, and they loved her. In my hour, I would discuss, what they wanted, how I would address that, and how to maintain it. Some clients would mention a pet favourite subject of mine (usually personality, diet, or environment) and we(I) would get carried away talking. The rest I thought I did a favour, by keeping quiet. Sometimes I would fake "talkative", but it sometimes backfired once I saw them a few times, and felt I had to keep up the "upbeat"conversation. Other times I discovered things about them, that I would not have otherwise found out, had I kept to my usual quiet self. This is why I loved the "pick-up artist" it told the rules for when to speak and what to say. Unfortunately I am neither male, or a sleaze, so some of the imformation was irrelevant. I liked the systemation of it. Oh here we go again.

Testing, testing

2010-05-06T19:42:00.002+10:00

One of my supervisors sent me a link to a series of questions put together by Simon Baron-Cohen (yes, cousin to Sasha, for any fans). He is en expert in the field of autism research, and the book relates to differences between male and female minds and the extreme male brain. I have always thought of autism as relating to Jung's thinking/feeling personality types. Apparently 60% or more of men, are thinking. The english "thinking" makes us think of "smart", but to me it relates more to an objective mind, that doesn't get swayed by human relationships as readily as "most" women. A feeling person could be very smart, and take into account the human element, as an important factor in decision making. Her decision would be subjective. More boys are affected by autism than girls. One point that seems to be made with these tests, is that low empathy is more common of men. It is also generally attributed to those with autism. So of course I did the tests. I rated low on Empathy, average on systemizing, highish in the autism, and high on the eye test. I have thought about where I was too hard on myself on some questions, and where I might have been too easy.
People don't usually tell me I'm rude or blunt, but sometimes I sense it. They used to say I was calming in the salon. Is that just cause I'm reserved and give people pause to think. Other times I think I have more tact than other expressive people who just blurt it all out. I have a tendency to correct people which no one would really like. I sort of feel compelled sometimes to know the facts, and tell people if they don't know. I can avoid saying something to be nice though, and I don't like to make others sad. Some of my "niceness" is an avoidance of conflict, and then a lot is just introversion. Apparently I can tell peoples emotions by their faces, I just choose not to act on it a lot of the time. I think I'm interested in people, but from an observation point, not actually as a participant. I actually don't often like other peoples children. I don't mind the kids I work with though. Maybe it's because I'm dealing with them directly. One of the questions related to being able to put myself in other peoples shoes. I think I said I wasn't great. But then I thought how I loved fiction, as much as my fact books. Not mills and boon stuff, but characters. Does that count? I always loved Anne of Green Gables and Emily of New Moon. (Re-reading them at the moment) Did I just envy their imaginations? I never enjoyed coming up with fictional stories. At the moment I need to come up with a gift for my mother for her birthday and mothers day. I am crap at gift giving. If they wanted it, wouldn't they have bought it? and wouldn't they want to choose it themselves? but gift cards can seem thoughtless. I think it comes down to me not being able to put myself in other peoples shoes. I have to analyse it. My mum is a Sensory. She likes "stuff", but she is moving house for the first time in 26 years. She has half a lifetime of stuff to whittle down, in a matter of weeks. She is also Feeling, and likes all the sentimental stuff. I am not very good at sentimental. Any thing of that sort feels fake from me. I did once make a CD for her, of country music songs sung with my older sister. She loves that stuff. She would love for me to paint her a picture, but I have left it too late for that, and she doesn't need more stuff. Actually she has never really displayed any of my stuff, but she says she wishes I did more. I hate cliche. I don't want to get her slippers and PJ's, even though I would be happy to recieve them, and some chocolates. I did see tickets to Fame. She might enjoy a girls night out to the theatre. She took us to see Big River when we were little, and Jesus Christ Superstar. We were her dates, Dad would never have come. Wow have I gone off on a tangent.
I'm not autistic. But I guess we all have some traits, and I have enough quirks to at least relate. In the true sense of the word, autism derives from self. Inwardly focused. I think I have a diagnosis of introversion, but with the skills to fake it in an extroverted world when really neccesary. So I guess I am a "high-functioning" introvert.

In defence of ABA

2010-05-03T19:06:00.002+10:00

I have come to realise, I am quite proud of the work done by both supervisors I work under. As usual, I come home from the library with a mix of fiction, and non-fiction, for myself and the children. Some books I will read from cover to cover, and others I peruse to pick out relevant info and discard the rest. One of the authors I brought home has a poor opinion of ABA therapy. I do not doubt that there are programs that run exactly as he describes it "A rigid program that drills children into compliance for hours on end." or "drills, in which the ABA professional repetitively conditions the child to comply with various modes of conduct, activities, and desired responses." He mentions flash cards and dog training, and supressing the child's autistic traits to appear outwardly "normal" and less of a "problem". On the other hand his ideal therapy *presumes that my child is intelligent.
*helps me further my understanding of parenting my child without system dependency.
*ensures my child is happy, interested, and making progress.
I believe the therapy we as a team provide, is all of these.
I was able to sit in on a meeting/clinic with the head of AP. It wasn't particularly fun for me, as I hate an audience and don't perform well. I know my weaknesses will be highlighted. The reason I found this meeting so hard, is the very reason I so admire the work. My verbal praise was underwhelming, and I knew it. I wasn't getting a lot of smiles. This was mentioned by John. He said I gave a 5 or even a 4 out of ten as reinforcment. Far from wanting me to drill and overwhelm the child, he wanted to see enjoyment, motivation, interest. Let the child taste success as much as possible. It was a reminder to me, to really focus on the social interactions.
Yes, I use picture cards, but I also use books, and real objects. Cards allow us to eliminate any distracting elements in the early stages of learning a task. A white background and the object(say a ball), while hearing the word. Then hearing the same word later while playing with the ball, and then pointing out a ball in a picture in a storybook. The child is happy because we allow them to be successful. I know the children I work with are happy to come with me, and participate in our "work". If they weren't it wouldn't be reinforcing. I do use m&m's initially. They are a concrete way of helping a child understand the abstract idea of reward for actions. We very quickly move to have the reward tie in with the skill. You ask for a drink, and you get a drink. It seems simple, but we break down this into easier to understand components. The child first learns to look at the people around them. Now they can observe our actions. They discover that we cause these things to happen that they desire. Then we show them it's rewarding to imitate others. By imitating sounds and actions, they learn how to effect their environment, becoming less dependent. We control the amount of distractions in the environment, because we are aware of sensory issues that hamper learning, but we persist because we believe in the intelligence of the child, and their capacity to learn. We filter out the information not required to learn the skills, that will help the child function in the world. Yes, this makes it more convenient for the family. Yes, we do eliminate some traits that are common to autism, by replacing them with behaviours that will encourage the childs inclusion.
The parents are included in all the programs I work on, to varying degrees. One supervisor is spending a few days in the home of one client showing her how to make the most of every opportunity that naturally comes up during a typical day. How to break down the skill into small parts, how to prompt to help the child feel success and not give up, how to be more concise and consistent in language, and to act as a filter for your childs world. In the early days I was pulled up by one supervisor, for doing too much for the parents. I felt they needed my help. I was gently told that while my intentions were good, I would create dependence. She likes to "launch" them, to apply the techniques on their own. The other supervisor has also told me that the most succesful programs bring the parents into the "sessions", to build their confidence to manage the behaviours, and generalise the learning.
Most parents apply behaviourism without labelling it so. They might call it consequences. If you scream at me you get time out. If you eat your dinner you can have dessert. Because you have been so good all day you can........ you get the idea. Even simpler than that is the praise and applause we show our children even as infants, when they do something clever. Or the cross look we shoot across a room to show we don't like what they are up to. This is reinforcement. If you pick up a child every time they throw a tantrum, then you are reinforcing this behaviour. School is also based on reinforcement. Do well, and get awards and grades, do badly and fail. (Some kids just don't care about awards or grades. We vary the reward to suit the child)
So I guess I understand that he is advocating for the child. I believe I am too. I believe these kids are more intelligent than they might outwardly appear, and are trying to help themselves the best they can with our limited understanding. I am hopefully empowering them to have more effective communication with the rest of us. I will, however, take his three point measuring tool to keep me on track.

Such promise

2010-05-02T19:02:00.002+10:00

I had what I thought was a bit of a break through with one of the children I work with. His language until recently has been more echolaic than functional. I believe we have turned a corner though, with his understanding that he can change the environment by using words. First sign was while getting some cards out to use in matching tasks, he started to point and name them. In the past I have had to prompt with a certain phrase, and often the initial sound. When asked later he seemed not to remember them. These words were not modeled or prompted, just pulled out of his memory of previous programs. He has been leading me a little more too. I know "autistic leading" is a common thing, but C never seemed to want anything enough to try to move me. Now he pushes the guitar into my arms "Yi yi yipee" or "Yellow Submarine" he says. While eating his lunch, he pushed my arm towards his drink bottle and said "water". Obviously I got it for him, but kept returning it out of reach, so he kept requesting it, and seemed to enjoy himself. The best one though was when he led me out of the room the other day. I presumed he was taking me to the kitchen (one of his favourite places) or outside. Eventually he stopped and looked at me, and sat "sit down". I sat straight on the floor and he climbed on up for a cuddle. I have been trying to show him how to get me to do stuff for a while. Especially on the trampoline, where he doesn't like me to bounce while he is on there. I guess it finally worked. When he wanted me to get off the swing in the park, he said the same thing instead of getting so worked up like he normally would. Again, he seemed satisfied with the result. Much more effective than a tantrum. He understands so many verbal requests now, and has at least 30 words he can express with the same meaning each time.

the great outdoors

2010-04-18T16:19:00.003+10:00

I have had a lovely weekend spent with my family in the outdoors. While my intention was to get to the toy library yesterday, the morning passed and I hadn't moved far. I knew we had to gather some "found items" to begin my son's diorama project for school. Especially since he was actually excited to get out and do this. A phone call from my sister to head out to seaworld got us all moving. Aurora went along with them, while me and Jaiden headed over to a nearby mangrove boardwalk to explore. Often we have problems getting Jaiden out of the house without having given him heaps of time to adjust to the idea. Computer gaming systems usually dominate his thoughts. We have placed a lot more limits on this of late, and it seems to be paying off, with his discovery of other ways to enjoy himself. I knew he had said no to the Seaworld idea because he anticipated it running over xbox time, but I said if he didn't go there, we would still do the planned walk for materials. We saw all sorts of crabs running around, as the mangroves act as a sort of nursery ground for a lot of local marine life. He loved jumping down to have a closer look in some places, and was also dissapointed by the litter left behind in others. We grabbed takeout on the way home. ( I really wanted to reinforce that getting out was better than staying on the couch) Once fed we checked out some ideas on the net before beginning the project. It was more craft than he normally does on a weekend, but he enjoyed that too. I hadn't heard one request to stop and play games. In the afternoon after a discussion on approved games he was allowed on. We all spent some time in my room reading together before dinner, and last thing before bed, I got him to write down his three favourite moments of the day. Exploring was top of the list, and while the xbox was there, it was last. He commented that it was weird playing xbox today because he got bored of it faster. "Your brain is learning how to enjoy other things I think" and he agreed. He was exhausted, so I sent him to bed with a promise to do more exploring today. This morning he was over it and just wanted to play or watch movies again, but no, I made him come with us for a longer walk with the whole family. Today we wanted to keep an eye out for insects, which is what Aurora's class is studying in class this term. We walked for around 2 1/2 hours, by which time they were well worn out, but we saw all sorts of insects, plants and native animals. We didn't have a map today, but we decided to check it out once home so we could plan our next trip, and cover some different ground. There is a bird watching box I want to check out one morning when we can get up earlier. I think I would like to check out some orienteering events locally, to participate in with Jaiden. I can even imagine him being able to invite a friend along, to head out and read maps and run around in the bush together as a fun play date. We will start out with a compass and a few simple maps and progress from there. I can't wait to get out walking again, and with winter ahead there are going to be plenty of cool, dry days to get out.

Do I want popular kids?

2010-04-13T18:51:00.005+10:00

I am reading a book currently about bringing up geeks. I have only read the introduction actually, but it already got my thinking about my kids. Child number one is quiet, academic likes to talk to grown ups and do well in class. Child number two is sociable, talkative, likes to perform, is mature and understanding around other children. I don't think this is anything under my control. Popular kids (I was not a popular kid so this is not spoken from personal experience) are apparently more likely to engage in experimental or deviant behaviours, in order to keep their elevated status. They sucuumb more easily to peer pressure than their unpopular counterparts, and they're more willing to take behavioural risks in order to impress their friends. For this reason, the author discourages her kids to take the cool road, decided by the popular leaders, and follow their own interests. I acknowledge already, that there are going to be arguments with the kids (probably with Aurora, #2) about me treating them differently and having different rules. I lived through the experience of not being in the popular group. While never bullied or picked on, I never had a sense of belonging in any group. I would like to spare my son some of this. Obviously I have assumed my daughter will be popular if she chooses to be. I don't want her popularity to be at the cost of independent thought. Pack mentality does not always make for wise choices.
I encourage Jaiden to appreciate his quirks, but also like him to have a strong friend, who is a little more popular. I will probably always encourage him to participate in activities that help him fit in. While I love that Aurora is sociable, I don't want her to be so influenced by peers, media and consumerism that she fails to be the best she can be. She is also, according to the Myers-Briggs personlity tests, likely to experiment early with sexuality. I can see where they get that. She loves people, she likes hands on, she is independent and fearless. While my son is currently disgusted by the new discovery of "how babies are made", Aurora wants to know how she will know when she is pregnant, because she wants kids. She is always hugging and kissing. Is it too much to ask that they can be popular geeks? Can you be intelligent, with good values and a strong sense of self, and be popular in the school yard. I remember reading somewhere, from a parent of a teen with Autism (I think), that she didn't think it was important to teach her son to relate to other teenagers, when he already knew how to relate to adults. In the grand scheme of things how significant a skill is conversing with teenagers. On the other hand I remember learning in school about Maslow's heirarchy of needs. Sense of belonging is important, so I believe there is a need to at least find like minded-peers.
I think my wish for my kids is the middle ground. Likeable, but not pack leaders. I will cherish my sons quirks while teaching him social coping skills and helping him value his inner world. I will nurture my daughters friendly lovable nature, while reminding of the need for independent thought. I guess if I think of Jung's original idea of his personality traits it would be to create balance. Keep their strengths, and build up their weaker sides. Then those who matter, won't mind, and those who mind, won't matter.

colour discrimination

2010-04-11T15:03:00.001+10:00

I was sitting on the couch last night when I noticed a little insect had fallen down my top. I reached in to wipe it away, squishing it, but felt bad when I saw in the light that he was green. Strange how I was ok killing him when I thought he was brown.

The right decision?

2010-04-09T18:08:00.002+10:00

Days like today make me wonder if I made the right decision in leaving hairdressing. I was anxious before I left the house, and C was having a non-compliant day. None of my reinforcers were very reinforcing. He wouldn't match nicely and messed around with the pieces or wouldn't look at them. I wanted to shake him, or force him. It is hard working with only positive reinforcement. With my kids, I would have gotten cross and forced them to do as they were told. Dominated them I guess if needed. The most we do with C is the sitting until quiet thing. We did a LOT of that today. By the end of the session I only pointed to the chair, and he went and sat himself down. He knew that when I turned, or got up to go to him when he was not participating, that I was going to sit him down, and would raise his arms in protest. Neither of us enjoyed it. I have those days though, and then the next will be one where all goes really well, and I am excited by our progress. Also weighing on my mind with this decision though, is the money. I was on a good wage for a hairdresser, having reached the top of my field. I haven't quite worked out how to set myself up as a legitimate business yet. The parents don't hire me as an employer for the small number of hours I do. With multiple employers, I would pay extra tax on each family over the first one. I think I could set up as a contractor. I wonder if I would need to have a lot more credentials for an insurer to set me up though. I may not be allowed to operate in an official capacity, even though the parents are happy with my service. Any way, this means I have no income to declare to banks or real estate agents. My husband is out of work at the moment, which was not on the cards when I left the relative security of hairdressing. I have some money put aside as a fall back option. He is looking at some franchise options. One as a dog washer/groomer, and the other as a dog trainer. I believe the training is more in line with his aspirations working with animals than washing, also dog washing is more physical and may do his back in eventually. I think the business model of the washing, may be more secure, but I haven't looked into the other. Both require the same amount of start-up capital. If I was hairdressing still, this would be an easy option. I could take out a personal loan to cover it easy. But officially, I don't earn anything! Even unofficially, I only earn enough to cover my living expenses. Luckily it is the weekend now, and even with my brain chemicals a bit out of whack I should be able to get it together ready for Monday. I have two clients, and a meeting!
Behaviour is such a hard thing. Your behaviour is decided by your wiring and chemical make-up, and that can be affected by things outside your control. So when people bug me, I have to remind myself that it is their behaviour I don't like, and hope to rewire them. C's non-compliance is the result of a family trait, and the wiring that gave him his autism diagnosis. It's my job to help him practice being compliant, by making it fun to do so.

A successful day.

2010-04-06T17:11:00.002+10:00

Yay, this little boy might be my new favourite. He was able to get through 5 hours, without it being painful for me. He thinks I'm funny and he likes my toys, so we are off to a great start. I was able to convince him to sit at the table, in order to play with my toys. There was complaining, but nothing like what the other two boys give me. He actually has quite a few things he likes. Dinosaurs, sea animals, water,chase games and fart noises. He is the first of mine to be a little tactile sensitive tiptoeing with the grass underfoot. My most successful game was filling bottles with water and then putting the lids back on. He likes to tip them out but couldn't open them, so he would hand it to me and make a sound like oohda, then when he looked at me I would say "Open", and he would smile and get to tip the water out. He hasn't learnt to apply the rule to make me give over toys that he wants yet. I might have to stick to using the look to perform actions to begin with. The superviser called when I had begun working with him this morning. The public holiday had thrown her schedule out, but the mum printed off the program for me to follow. I managed without it though really. I will have more time to look it over at home and get a data sheet written up. The family seems lovely.

Anticipation

2010-04-05T14:18:00.002+10:00

I meet the new family tomorrow. I keep expecting to find a new email from the supervisor, but no sign yet. Maybe she's taking an Easter break. I will interpret the silence as a vote of confidence. I will spend tomorrow trying out all sorts of things, to see what he likes, and what gets his attention. When I began Aaron's program. We worked on getting him to look, both at me and at the materials we worked with. Then I guess I get him used to the idea of doing something easy in order to get a repeat of the things he likes. A gesture, a look, a grunt. My program with C has shown how important the reinforcement and compliance is to a program. I will try to incorporate a few different locations into this program as well. I find it limiting to be restricted to A's bedroom, but outside there are too many distractions, and so far only tv as a reinforcer. I think I should work on a few more outside reinforcers if I can get around the dog problem. Maybe even a local park if there is one. Now that I have agreed to travel out to get to this program. C's mum has told me that his SEDU doesn't start until 12 on Tuesdays. Maybe I could have done 9-11:30 and not travelled so far. She certainly would be happy if I could do that. Today C walked over a wobbly plank, holding my hand. The challenges of these parks are soon going to be too easy for him. Hmm, lots of nice trees to climb, I may create a monster out of him though if I have to scale trees to get him down all the time though.

Extending his program

2010-04-02T18:26:00.003+10:00

After another clinic, we have made more changes to C's program. I really like where it is going. Still working on building skills after working to build more compliance and make therapy more reinforcing. Partly I feel more comfortable because I have a few tricks up my sleeve now that I know him better. The other is because this program varies the way we collect and share data. So the data doesn't get in the way of the teaching. We perform the trials and then tick a box of 0-25%, 25-50%, 50-80%,80-100%, based on our memory. Since we only do a couple of trials at a time it is not too hard to remember. With my other programs I tick a box after each trial, or place a cross. There is actually a little more writing with this program as there is room to clarify each set of data. I can write the materials I used, and the reinforcer that was offered. Also we summarize at the end of each session, with the form covering things like attending, eye contact, stimming, play and behaviour. We also list the reinforcers used and which ones did or didn't work today. Because I can recall the data, I can do a few programs on the trampoline, or in the park without having to carry a notebook to keep score. If feels very natural and doesn't interrupt his focus or mine. We are expanding his play program to include more locations and equipment. So we will be learning to ride a bicycle with training wheels, and braving some more of the playgrounds nearby. The first hour of today's session was walking, skipping, running and stopping on our way to three parks in close walking distance. A piece of climbing equipment, that he had to be carried through yesterday, was not a problem today as we approached in a relaxed manner. He held on to it without reaching out for me, or launching himself towards me as he did yesterday. The whole program was done as an imitation task. Follow the leader style. I go up the ladder, and so does he. I climb down the spiral, so does he. I drum my tummy while I walk, so does he. We are working on "STOP!" also. Very important for safety that he can freeze when we need it. A lot of these tasks have an Occupational therapist bent to it. Making sure he develops the muscle control and awareness of his body to enjoy physical play. He can be a bit floppy and slouchy at times, but he loves the trampoline, and has great control over a bouncy ball, so I really think he will grow to love these other games. Inside, we are taking his good matching skills, and using them to extend his focus. We want him to be able to leave the table to get something and then make his way back and sit nicely. First I am asking him to leave a chair to come to the table to match and then go back and sit down. He is doing well. The other big change to the program is that we have added a negative component. So far ignoring his tantrums, has not been enough to stop the loud outbursts, however he doesn't bite anymore thankfully. The new consequence of screaming is to have to sit in a chair until quiet, and then wait while we colour three circles.(so he has a visual of how long to wait). If he screams, then we start again from circle one. Compared to Supernanny's minute per year of age, I think this is still quite mild, but he sure was pissed this afternoon at being made to stay in the chair each time. Hopefully it will be enough to motivate him to not scream all the time. I am glad I stuck with this program to start seeing some progress, and to get a chance to work with this particular superviser. While I can't mix programs, I can certainly use this experience to mold how I present the tasks given to me. Onwards and upwards.

2010-04-02T14:15:00.002+10:00

I saw this idea on Kikipotomus the Hobo's blog, who got it from Blissful bohemian, who got it from....well you get the idea. I thought I'd have a think about what my answers would be. I think it would be interesting to hear the thought process by which people come up with their answers. A list of my favourites would be different, but this is how I think my personality would look in each of these.
If I were a month I’d be april.
If I were a day I’d be tomorrow
If I were a time of day I’d be evening
If I were a font I’d be Comic sans
If I were a sea animal I’d be a jellyfish.
If I were a direction I’d be west.
If I were a piece of furniture I’d be a desk.
If I were a liquid I’d be pineapple juice.
If I were a gemstone I’d be a smooth opal.
If I were a tree I’d be deciduous.
If I were a tool I’d be a phillips head screwdriver.
If I were a flower I’d be a tulip.
If I were an element of weather I’d be a light shower.
If I were a musical instrument I’d be a fiddle
If I were a color I’d be teal.
If I were an emotion I’d be anticipation.
If I were a fruit I’d be a fuzzy peach.
If I were a sound I’d be the surf.
If I were an element I’d be water.
If I were a car I’d be a ute
If I were a food I’d be chocolate.
If I were a place I’d be the beach.
If I were material I’d be rubber.
If I were a taste I’d be thai coconut soup.
If I were a scent I’d be the smell of jasmine.
If I were a body part I’d be an elegant neck.
If I were a song you could sing along.
If I were a bird I’d be a kingfisher
If I were a gift I’d be a smile.
If I were a city I’d be Byron Bay.
If I were a door I’d belong to a fridge .
If I were a pair of shoes I’d be sandals.
If I were a poem I wouldn't rhyme.

When life gives you lemons....

2010-03-30T18:25:00.003+10:00

So yesterday came with the news that I was completely aimless today, not being required to do therapy. Not one to miss an opportunity, my husband decides we should have a child free outing at the beach. He doesn't particularly like the beach, but he knows how much I have missed the waves this summer. He also likes any chance to hang out without kids. Wake up as normal in the morning and jump in the car to drop the kids off to school. Just as he is about to close the door, Jaiden gets a quizzical look on his face. "Why is everyone in the same car?" No chance to answer, he is off for the day with his sister in tow. We drive to the nearest surf beach, and leave the shoes and towels in the car for a nice long walk. It had rained during the night, but was shaping up to be a beautiful day. Once we got back to near the car it was time for a swim, and by now the sun was out and we were nice and warm. I don't know how we got onto the subject, but I mentioned that I wanted to see the baby seals at Seaworld soon. It is just down the road from the beach we were at. "Let's go today then, I have the season passes in the car." says Daren. "Jaiden is going to be sooo jealous." I reply. He particularly likes the all day buffet. Although we planned to make a quick visit to the seals and then leave for lunch, we are hungry as soon as we arrive so it's off to the buffet. I really should have left the big slice of chocolate cake. The little slice of brownie would have been perfectly satisfying. But once it was on my plate I had to finish every bite. It was good. The seal exhibit is being refurbished so I didn't see the baby, but I got to watch the trainers bring them out for excercise, which was still good. I find I usually just like to sit and watch the animals play, more than watch the shows scheduled through the day. Without the kids there was no rush to move on either. Actually I probably would have stayedeven longer at each animal left to my own, but Daren kept the pace moving. I finally looked up the little creature I found down at the beach earlier this year. It is a nudibranch of some sort. Which basically means it is a relative of the snail family, with no shell. There are thousands of types in all sorts of colours and shapes. They are called the butterflies of the sea. The one I found was free floating in the swimming area, so it flitted and flopped around like a butterfly too. I also checked out the rabbitfish in the big aquarium. They are a silver with yellow, but were congregating around the floor with each other in a big mass, and as they touched down each one changed to a deep brown/black colour, and as they drifted back up they changed back. Apparently that is a skill of all the different type of rabbit fish. All in all, today turned out to be a great spontaneous gift in the middle of my working week.
I talked today to the mother of the newest little friend. I will meet with D next Tuesday, and his mother sounds lovely. Her husband is posted overseas, so she has done a lot of the work with him on her own. Parenting alone is hard for anyone, let alone with the added challenges of autism. She is happy enough with the rate, and the hours, and excited to get started. The benefit to me of working with a variety of families is that I will not have the chance to obsess over one child. Also that when one family moves on from the therapy or doesn't work out, I have others to shuffle around to fit. I also hope that each child will help me find different perspectives that I can take elements from, to help the other children I work with. I have started following a new blog of a mother of 4, one with Autism. For the Record. I wish I could be her child, they look like they have a great time. Her daughter Grayson loves to cook, and is 7. I remember cooking scones and slices every weekend when I was growing up. I want Aurora to be able to do all that stuff. She has missed out because I don't eat wheat. I think I have to get my gluten free books out and give their baking a go, or just suck it up and make them traditional. This week! For tonight, though she is going to dish up our icecream sundaes for dessert. I have noticed in the blogs I read, from mothers of special needs kids, they seem to really appreciate the new perspective they get having kids who are not typical. It makes them really appreciate the things we take for granted with our neurotypical kids. Oh and Jaiden has just discovered the ugly truth about that S word. SEX! Did you know it involves putting the penis somewhere? He is horrified, but that is another story. I'm off for ice-cream.

I can't say no!

2010-03-29T19:18:00.002+10:00

First news this morning, was that one of my families won't require me on Tuesdays anymore. Her brother-in-law is going to do two therapy sessions a week with him, and Tuesday is one of those days. I almost took another family on last week when I suspected this would happen. I am pretty tight with money. I don't even like to spend my fake money on bejewelled(my current addiction) in case I waste it. The other consideration, is that my husband has finished working for the animal welfare league. He disagrees with some of the decisions made lately, and they don't like anyone questioning their authority. Instead, he is doing two days work privately with a mate on a property back up past Logan, and doing some car work on top of that. I am not too worried about this, but I like the seeming security of a regular job. The upshot of this, is that I emailed Nina, to see if she could still use me on the Southport program, which is not too far away. When I got back to her this afternoon, she said no, she had filled that, but that she was so excited to be able to use me with this new family up at Eden's landing. She kept talking, and I said nothing. I had decided that I wouldn't take that program because of the travel distance, and I didn't have the time anyway. When I emailed Nina I had just said "Sorry, but no I don't have the time in my schedule." She is not one to miss an opportunity, and now she knew I had the time. She had spoken to the mum, he can do a long program while my kids are at school." He has good eye contact and he is making efforts to speak." She was still talking, and I found myself just agreeing. So now I have a new family. With a long program I think I am going to set the day up like a preschool program. 1st session, then snack, then another subject, then lunch and play, another session and quiet time to end for the day. It will help me keep some routine and form to such a long session. I'll get some more guidance from Nina on that. She was all ready to throw me in tomorrow, but it was dinner when I spoke to her, so I said I would call the new family tomorrow, and organise to set up next week. I will push for the higher rate of pay, and the longer day to make the driving worthwhile. Now I just have to learn to say no, if those terms are unsuitable.
I still swing sometimes, between the need to stick this out, and even enjoying the work, to thinking I need just a regular job. I think any job I take, I will put all of myself into. It's me that puts the pressure on more so than any external factors. Almost all jobs involve other people, and that is my biggest hurdle.
Earlier today I looked into public schools that take in selective academic students. It looks like there are a couple of highschool options in Brisbane, and one for grades 10-12 on the Gold Coast. It is for students aiming to study in the health sciences, or research fields. I'm assuming the funds have been allocated to help build this work force within Australia. Kids can begin an undergraduate course with the affiliated university on the Coast to prepare them for enrollment in one of these courses. Jaiden is a very good student, and performs well. I think it can be hard in some schools to fit in socially, if the majority of students don't share the desire to do well. Apparently in the southern states there are more of the selective public schools. He is only in grade 4, but the main Brisbane school takes enrollments for grade 8(currently our first year of high school), while kids are in year 5.
I am going to try to get him to watch this with me on the Easter break. It was mentioned on the Eide Neurology Blog, as a thought provoking documentary about the way we teach our kids, and how much of it actually is learned. I think there is a science angle to it, so hopefully Jaiden is interested. It will be my way of getting some ideas for problem solving and abstract thought, the way they tried to do when Jaiden was put in to the gifted sessions at school last year. I need to do some more enrichment activities with him. Both of them really.
I am off to watch the biggest loser on tv, and eat chocolate. Sad really isn't it.

New program design.

2010-03-24T14:21:00.002+10:00

Work has been going well, despite having a few anxious days that I will put down to hormones. Yesterday was the overdue monthly meeting for A's program. Luckily the service provider sent a message saying that all the video looked good, so I didn't spend the days preceding panicking about it. I think it has been a big help, that I am not spending so much time on work, when I am not working. I have watched a movie, and read a couple of books, and visited a theme park with the kids. I did relent, and read a book about the family of an autistic boy, who was helped by his relationship with a dog. It really made me think about the parents of these kids, and some of the hopes they had that were lost with the diagnosis. Anyway, the meeting went well, and this morning was probably the most comfortable I have been with the 3 1/2 hour time allocation. Sometimes it feels like too much, but I actually worked past the 12 o'clock cut off before I realised we were done.
We added a sorting program, and a sequencing program to the mix. Dropped some of the tasks he was bored with, and also one where he has got it into his head that is more fun to be wrong on purpose, than get the reinforcement. For the sorting I give him two buckets to place in one, all types of balls, and in the other, all types of transport(eg, toy trains, buses, trucks and cars). He actually showed signs of getting the hang of this straight away. I was less certain that he was ready for the sequencing task, so I ditched the idea of flash cards with one, two and three items. Instead I found three blue vehicles in the transport bucket and lined them up. I worked breaking the task down further and today taught him to line them up from largest to smallest, following my point where to place each. Then I crashed them all off the table into a bucket once they were lined up. Hopefully once he starts to recognise the pattern I can stop handing them in order, and just give them to him to line up ready to crash. I think he should be ok with sequence. He knows that first I take out the mini tv, then I open it to put the disc in, then I shut it, then I can turn it on. He prompts me to do each. He can also turn on the tv, and set it to paytv ,and then find the sports channel. I think the best lesson I have gotten since working on a different program is to keep the reinforcers varied, and always be on the lookout for the next reinforcing thing. Because A was fixed on the videos, I stuck with them. Now that I have brought a few new ideas in, he has started to vocalise more, as he tries to tell me which one he wants next, thus enabling me to elicit more language from him without straying from the program design. The more things I have, the more different sounds he needs to make to differenciate between them. Now I just need to plan some active games to play with S, and her little brother tomorrow.

Common sense rules to live by.

2010-03-21T17:40:00.002+10:00

We need to make plastic into stuff we really want to last forever. Plastic lasts a long, long time. Let’s make stuff out of it that we want to be around, and if we have to have throwaways, let’s make them completely biodegrade so you can throw them into the compost pile and get rid of them.
I know that is complete common sense, but it really struck me. It is not as big as saying don't use plastic at all. If it only needs to last a day then don't use something that will last a lifetime. I like having a set of rules to assist in making choices. If it is plastic, how long do I expect to be using it for? Not long? find an alternative. I am glad that Nando's, my fast food of choice, gives me my food in cardboard and paper. I still need to improve on my big grocery shops though. I have always remembered in highschool a girl whose grandmother made her this awesome floppy hat out of old bread bags crochet together.

Great day.

2010-03-18T21:38:00.002+10:00

Another clinic today. I am really enjoying working with C with the new AP model. I think it works well for him. There is a big focus on the learning-to-learn skills. He needs to be able to sit, wait, comply, stop, listen, look. Then all the rest can come. Now I believe he probably had a lot of these with one of the previous therapists, but when I started, the program was quite advanced, and I didn't get to stop and cover these areas first. I didn't really appreciate that that is what was neccesary. Also because a lot of his program was language, but in a discrete trial format, his echolalia gave the impression he understood more. Really he was mimicking, and had learnt to survive the program this way. Once taken out of context he couldn't wing it, and so had behaviour/compliance issues. I enjoyed seeing how playing ball on the trampoline (one of the few places I see genuine enjoyment on his face), could be expanded to work on many other skills. I love the idea of being able to spend more of his time outside, playing like a normal kid, while gaining these skills. With his table work, now that we have established his capability to match, we can use that to extend the amount of time spent on each activity, and add things like waiting with quiet hands, and pointing.
Only a few weeks ago, he wouldn't even match two coloured cards together, despite having mastered matching earlier the previous year. C has started to participate in action songs. Even in previous video, the therapist I believe was most successful with him, would move his hands along to the actions. With such regular clinics there is less chance to get bored with his progress, or have his progress stall. Behaviour can change so quickly from week to week. I love that C enjoys sitting down to have a story read, and turns the pages. With the way the data is collected, there is no way for me to sit down the night before and prepare. I have to rock up, and assess the situation fresh each day. This is actually making his one of my least stressful programs, as far as my own anticipation anxiety goes. His mother is always very appreciative too.
I had an easy morning also with S, the little girl with very mild aspergers. I felt I didn't earn my keep for part of it, actually. The new program has me taking her out to activities organised by the local council. Mum drove us all there, and then the instructor led the kids for 45 minutes through warming up, running, and some ball skills, and swinging a bat. She went straight over, participated the whole time, looked happy and really enjoyed herself. There was really no need for me, except for the couple of minutes before they began while I pointed out another little girl for her to say hello to. I pointed out to Mum how well she was doing, even compared to the other "typical" children, who were shy, or wandered off to get a snack halfway. Before that I set up an obstacle course in their front yard. The idea is to get her and her little, just-turned-2 year old brother to play nice together. They played great and seemed to enjoy the activity. He really needs to be running around, to stay on task. Last week we did puzzles and he just wandered off. Tomorrow I want S and Aurora to trace each others bodies, I just need to find some big enough paper. If I can't find it, I will just tape together some newspaper, and use paint to decorate it. In fact, that might be a more resourceful idea. I should send her mum a message not to have her best clothes on. If we do that activity first, it might dry once they have their free play, and they can do some cutting. If I am really organised I can get some magazine pictures for collage. I think she would love to play with some scissors. I also saw an activity with a block of wood, and hammer, and nails. I think most kids would love to play with a hooked hammer, from a real tool box.

Music as therapy?

2010-03-13T22:34:00.003+10:00

I found, and bid on, a small guitar on ebay. This is for C who loves music in his therapy sessions. I have really enjoyed being able to use my guitar with him, and he really seems to like it too. He will strum along while I change chords, or requests his favourite song "Yellow Submarine". I have been able to introduce a few new songs to expand the repertoire. I especially love "If you're happy and you know it ............" It feels like a really natural way to encourage his imitating actions, and also participating with me. Since we started using you tube videos of the wiggles as a reinforcer, he is rewarding us with great compliance, and demonstrated his ability to match all manner of cards. It has been a great way of probing which skills he chooses not to show, and which he really does not have a grasp of yet. I also found a heap of photos on Friday, of his family. He easily names all the people in the shots. If he is distracted he still names just anybody, but once he realises he needs to pay attention to get the reinforcer, he is 100%. However with a plate of bacon and eggs (of which the bacon is his favourite) he still says eggs, while looking at, and reaching towards the bacon. By the end of a plate, where he only got the food he said the name of, he was saying bacon. The test is whether he will remember this next time I have a plate of bacon and eggs to offer. He seems to study like I did with maths at school. Learn enough to pass for the semester, then forget it all once it is no longer a test subject. So we need to make sure we are teaching relevant tasks to him. Not just what we think is important. I must remember to have a go at things like his phone number, which he was doing very well at, not to long ago. Nothing on his program is very difficult for him, since we are focussing on getting him follow instructions when asked, without having tantrums. Once he gives up the control struggle, we can add some more challenge back in. I think it is a good strategy, especially since both his other therapist and myself, have only been with him a short time. Hopefully I have time to pick up the guitar tomorrow. I have a birthday party for my niece, and the guitar is further away than I had thought.

2010-03-09T17:44:00.003+10:00

After years of weighing the pros and cons of immunizations, both my kids got a shot today. I decided Meningococcal was deadly enough to warrant the relatively minor reactions commonly experienced. It was my test drive. I managed to stay relatively calm while talking to the doctor through their check-up. The same nurse I had spoke to about my concerns last week was the one to give both shots. They sat on my lap in turn and had the shots. Aurora went second, and was more tense, so had to have a second attempt in a softer part of her arm. All seemed fine, then Jaiden says "I feel funny." So we lay him on the bed. Then Aurora says "I feel funny too." Not long after I feel her go stiff, and make the low growls and whimpering noises she does when she passes out. Now I start crying, while reassuring the nurse that this is a stress response, not an adverse reaction. The poor kids got my genes, which goes with an overreactive sympathetic nervous system. I try to speak calmly to her while she wakes up. She is lying on me with her back to me so I don't see her face all this while. That is for the nurse to see. A little while after she wakes up and is still lying back she throws up all down the front of herself. Now the nurse goes to get the doctor and the other nurse comes in, who was speaking with me last week. "Oh no she says, not again." Referring to my son's adverse reaction to the MMR. "No, different child this time." I am surprisingly still calm, though upset for my daughter to be feeling so bad. We stayed till she looked less green and pale. In retrospect I should have taken them in separately, but I thought she would have been comforted by Jaiden being so brave. I have a feeling none of those nurses will be rushing to immunise my kids again though. The positive side of this is that she actually had her episode in a medical facility. The nurse commented to the doctor, that it was definitely a faint, not a fit. Since Aurora is the hardest to watch (out of both my kids and myself) when we faint, I am glad that someone else has seen it and not had suspicions of other illness. I was given seizure medication for the same behaviour at around 12 years old. Which I still believe was unneccesary, given my EEG indicated that I didn't have epilepsy. Time to organise dinner now though, and probably an early bed for Aurora.

Domestic bliss

2010-03-06T21:45:00.003+10:00

A very homely day today. Spent the morning doing grocery shopping and errands, while also shopping for a baby shower gift. Came home to make lunch for everyone and pack away the groceries. I printed off this photo for the baby shower. There must be a "whose photo is this?" game. Then I got stuck into making a big batch of chicken soup. It always reminds me of my Nanny. They kept lots of chickens, so chicken soup was always on the menu. I was cooking the chicken bones and all, so while it was simmering, I went outside to tend the worms. The bottom two containers were now all castings, so I spent a couple of hours removing the last of the worms, and sifting through to salvage as many eggs as I could. I have a wasted square of garden at the bottom of the stairs, that I thought I could plant a pumpkin vine into. Since pumpkins quite often grow themselves, it should be ok with my neglect, especially with such lovely worm casting rich soil to grow in. I added some soil from the bottom of my compost heap and covered it with rocks until I throw the pumpkin seeds in. I have some butternut pumpkin in my fridge at the moment. My daughters favourite. Then once my hands were cleaned of worm poo, back into the kitchen to remove the bones and excess skin from the soup and make the finishing touches. Delicious, and I have heaps left over for future meals. For the rest of the evening I read my book. Ancient Evenings it is called. Both the kids came in, to read in the room with me, at some point. After a little chat with my son while he waited to fall asleep in bed, I showered before realising I had not checked the internet at all today! Nor had I missed it. So much more gets done without the internet or tv, to suck away my time. Tomorrow I will even socialise! I found this post very relevant to my programs at the moment, as I learn to play with C more. I often hand him the toy he wants, to do as he wishes, instead of actually playing with things myself. Maybe that's where the clowning behaviour comes in. I really can't remember playing much make believe even as a child. I think I just dressed and groomed my barbies? Hmm... I vaguely recall playing out some scenarios. Off to bed now though.

Quick relief

2010-03-04T19:02:00.003+10:00

Already 1 1/2 books later and I am feeling better for not checking my computer so often. Sending emails was only getting me into trouble anyway. I had a long but great day today. I went to the first program without having planned it to death the night before. (I watched So you think you can dance instead) It went smoothly, with the little girl interacting quite well with her brother, for almost 2 hours. Then she was able to entertain herself for short bursts, and play quietly with me until lunchtime. I raced to the next house, racing through drive-thru for some protein so I didn't get anxious and grumpy throughout the long afternoon. C let me read a few books to him, and seemed to enjoy a couple of throws of the ball. Most exciting for me, was that he played with dough that I made for about 15 minutes. Singing all the time. This is a kid who until recently I had never really seen play. Then the new program supervisor arrived for the "clinic". I had been nervous about this but was on a high about the dough. He didn't behave well for her, so I didn't feel completely inadequate in front of such an experienced therapist. While I am not really clownish, she seemed to appreciate that my music is reinforcing to him, and mum's cuddles are her reinforcer and that each of us offers something different. Getting more resources is her next goal. Then we will have plenty to offer him in return for his compliance. Not scary!
By the way, the Tolkien story, about the Children of Hurin. Not an uplifting tale. I think I'm still used to the happily ever after type of story. It was enjoyable none the less, to read something not autism/work related. I am reading a book now, that I picked up at a charity book sale by Norman Mailer. It had heiroglyphics on the cover, which drew me in, and so far has told the stories of the Egyptian Gods, and afterlife. I never realised quite how incestuous and animalistic the stories were. Blood and sex and filth, or maybe that is his interpretation of the tales. I have had a dozen of these books for months and not picked up one of them.

time out

2010-03-02T12:45:00.001+10:00

I loved this message about bodies. And I love the picture too. All these women are beautiful, and obviously still models, but I love that they are not waifish. There really are so many more things in this world more important than a dress size. This is one reason I am glad not to be hairdressing. I have had my moments of thinking that at least I was already good at hair, but then there's no challenge. I will never grow if I take the easy road.
I have decided that too much internet/computer time is making me anxious. Pages like that one are beneficial, and I enjoy some of the blogs I read, however often I only flick through a couple of pages and do it compulsively throughout the day. I was happy during A's therapy this morning, but felt the anxiety return as I sat down to check my emails, then I would usually play a few games while feeling anxious, just because. So today I'm going to eat my lunch then sit down to read a book. The Tolkien book edited by his son. No ABA!

Purging the worry

2010-03-01T13:11:00.004+10:00

I haven't felt like writing lately. In fact I usually turn on the computer, and look at my facebook and blogger dashboard, before playing a game of spider solitaire and wasting time. Even as I play, I am aware that I am wasting time, but feel like I need to just win one game before I leave. Lucky I don't gamble. I had a particularly bad morning today, and thought I don't want to whinge on my blog all the time. But I guess this for me is my outlet to get rid of all the stuff I worry about at night, and I didn't sleep well at all last night.
I have anxiety about whether I am cut out for this new job I have taken on. I try hard and have great ideas, but sometimes the actual implementing of the theory, is a lot of hard work. I can deal with tantrums, and biting, and screaming, no worries, I just don't give in to that sort of stuff. I think this is what people think will be the hard bit with working with autistic kids. No for me it is the clowning around, being up, and exciting. Being extroverted, I guess. And I take all criticism personally. With the new service provider I am working with, I will be participating in "clinic" every fortnight with the whole team. This is with the child I find hardest to motivate. I am worried that the pressure of performing every two weeks and being expressive enough, is going to suck all the enjoyment out of this job. I think I have mentioned before that I have always quit things in the past when I comes time for assessment. Now I have a job that involves constant reassessment. What if my weakness in this area is too big to overcome.
This mornings clincher, was the grandmother of one of the kids I work with coming in, to tell me that the lack of speech she hears from A is a huge concern for her, and that his time is being wasted if he is not communicating during his time with me. I had been instructed not to continue taking data for his language program, that we were reinforcing words that would not make sense to other people. When I ask him to give me the spoon, I don't also require him to say the word before he gets rewarded, as he misses the initial consonant more often than not. So he stays quiet but gives me the spoon as required. Granny would like me to get him to talk while he works. I will leave that one for Nina to advise me.
A new problem is that Nina wants me to attend a 4 hour training session, that once again coincides with C's program on Friday. His mother would be pissed! Oh well, I am off to work with C this afternoon. Maybe if I really suck they will all fire me, and then I won't have to worry about this program anymore.....yep, that's negativity breeding. I think some chocolate is in order before I go. Have they come up with a pill yet that stops people worrying?

Video critique

2010-02-16T13:52:00.002+10:00

I survived my video critique. I saw some area's where I had missed the point of the specific trial. Some where I had gone off task, simply because I was collecting video, and evidence of me interpreting what we were looking for more than collecting it. It was hard to watch and listen to, especially where I knew that the mistake had come from me second guessing myself for benefit of the film. All in all though, Nina was far less concerned with the flaws than I was. Yes, it was very important to catch the mistakes while they could be easily corrected, but not terminal to the program. The funny bit was Nina said she found it hard to critisise me because I always try so hard and take direction so well. She mustn't have seen how much my hands were shaking or me trying to keep my breath relaxed. I found it hard being critisiced in front of the parent too, even if she does know I am still training. We had our normal gossip at the end of the meeting and by afternoon she was already calling me to see if I was available to help out on another program. Nothing personal. Today's session was nice and simple. Sticking to the program without trying to interpret it. Nina had a good quote for me to remember. "Mine is not to question why. Mine is just to do, or die."She is there to interpret his behaviour, and adjust the program, I am just making my job harder if I try to do that. I'm also not experienced enough to do so. Another good point she had, was that I try so hard to help that I don't give them the opportunity to get there themselves. I can do this with both parent and child. I know what he wants, so I interpret his communication, instead of requiring him to work harder to make sense. That won't help him with someone who doesn't know him well enough to interpret. I some cases I will still use my awareness to model language for him, but will also allow overcoming the frustration to be motivation in itself. I feel much better today after one of my usual chats with Nina. It always boosts my ego, to know that she credits my intelligence enough to bounce ideas off. The new program she is lining up is nearby also, but with a child who has other medical issues apart from the autism. I believe he has cystic fybrosis also. He goes to a special ed school, where I could give him added assistance, and will be another facet to learn about on the autistic spectrum. I think it was on Autism Games that I heard the quote "Once you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism." They are all so different in the ways that their wiring presents. I mentioned to Nina that I would be working with another autism services provider on C's program. She knows the woman, and thinks it will be great to have another perspective on ABA, which still falls within the same philosophy. Career is still on track, I just need to have a little more faith.

It's never all bad.

2010-02-11T20:59:00.003+10:00

Ok I've had my cry and will probably still stress for the weekend, but I don't like leaving things on such a low note. On the upside, C's mum has enlisted the help of a new program director from Autism Partnership. I have been reading a book put out by the originators of their program and it is very insightful and full of great tips. She has got C's mum all excited about getting him onto a functional program, and is going to take us through a full day of training. (which is something I missed out on, being thrown straight into both programs) It is on Saturday, which is my day with the kids, and she can't afford to pay me my hourly rate for the day, but I could do with some direction in his program and it just might be the fine tuning I need to improve on A's program too. Now I just need to find a babysitter for the day. Hopefully my mum can come through.
Oh, and this is such an Ego thing, I know. Why should I feel so hurt when I can't do something? Is it a reflection on my character? or my effort? No! So suck it up sunshine, and learn from it, or move on.

crushed

2010-02-11T18:25:00.002+10:00

I have a nervous sick lump in my throat. Due to delays in funding, one of the kids I have been working with has not had any video taken of our sessions until this Monday. When I got there to record, the camera was still in the box, so I missed the first half of the session. Nina just called to say that the video shows that I have given him credit on the data, that he is not due. I also got an email to review some written material on PRT that she has sent me previously. I hate to hear criticism, and really take it to heart, so those few words fill me with perceived dissapointment in my abilities. Oh I wish I had been able to give her some video earlier, before so much time had passed. I have had a rough week with a head cold, and have found it draining to finish the sessions. I felt very useless and unmotivated while working with C this afternoon. He just giggled at me the whole time like someone who had been smoking pot. They all have so much faith in me, and I just don't know if I am reaching the mark. I worry, and this is evident by my dreams, that I have made a mistake in this job, maybe it is outside my potential, to actually do the therapy not just analyse it.
Before the phone call, I was hoping that my lack of motivation was just because of my bad health, but now I feel like it was maybe just my gut telling me to wake up. I am going to worry about this until Monday at the meeting, I just hope I can pull it together enough to take the criticism in the light that I am sure Nina intends it.

I like me. No embellishments required.

2010-02-07T08:16:00.002+10:00

I think I am over fashion and beauty. I haven't made an effort for hair or make up on myself for absolutely ages, where it used to be a daily thing. I caught sight of myself in the mirror in the shopping centre bathrooms, and despite having a completely bare face, I liked what I saw. I used to think I looked a little sick and washed out. So much of what I thought was important about the way I looked, was influenced by being in a hair salon, and even in there I was one of the most low maintenance girls. I wear shorts and a singlet almost every day, without wondering if they are in fashion, or the right cut. I don't open the blogs I used to read about fashion, or makeup. My hair goes unwashed longer than it used to, and gets scraped up into a ponytail instead of regular haircuts. I can't believe I was worried about not being able to get my Aveda product discount once I left. I almost stocked up on foundation. I haven't worn it since I walked out of the salon last. My next challenge will be to walk back into the salon, au naturale, and see if it brings out my self consiousness again.

Ode to greek yoghurt.

2010-02-05T19:26:00.003+10:00

I am in love with greek yoghurt. It is my new favourite food to have in the fridge. I never have taken to coleslaw, because it is so heavy on the dressing I think, but I have been eating heaps ever since I learned to make my own with greek yoghurt. Once I borrowed my sisters mandolin to slice the veggies, it was a snap to make. I julienne carrots, radish, and broccoli stem. Slice the schallots, red and white cabbage, and celery. In a cup of greek yoghurt mix a big spoon of honey, and a little squeeze of lime, stir it all in and there you have it. Creamy but not sickly so. I still only use half the dressing for the amount of salad I make, so tonight I boiled some baby potatoes and eggs to make a potato salad. I added some chives and bacon and it was delicious. I added some yoghurt to some scrambled eggs the other day. The possibilities are out there. Mayo is 80ish% fat, compared to 9%for full fat yoghurt, so that is just another bonus. Oh I do love my food.

Impress a 3 year old

2010-02-02T14:22:00.002+10:00

How is it that I get nervous about meeting a 3 year old? I get a tightening of my stomach before I go in to play with all of my kids. Once I start it usually disappears. I make sure I have all the right toys and my data sheets all written up. Am I worried she wont like me? Am I worried her mother wont like me? Maybe S will look at me and throw a tantrum. Will I not elicit the results Nina was looking for? I really only need to make friends and observe the reactions I get from her. I am going because she is not great at socialising anyway. It's my job to show her friends can be fun. I have a Dora doll, a viewmaster with Dora pictures, a princess costume, some my little ponies, a fairies dvd and some beads and elastic to entice her Oh well lets see how it goes.

What a great day!

2010-02-01T13:49:00.002+10:00

I had a great morning with 3 year old A today. On the way in I remembered to grab the empty 1 litre water bottles I had been saving in the car. They were such a big hit. The first exciting moment was when I discovered that his toy cars had been removed from their casings. (I had pointed out on another visit that they were impossible to roll with the screws still in the bottom.) Not only was A interested in the cars, but when I walked the little dinosaur over and asked if he could hop in, A opened the car doors and helped him in! Using a toy in a functional way(as opposed to just lining them up or spinning it's wheels repeatedly) is a great sign for a child with autism. I was able to take the car around behind me then drive it down my leg back to the table where he opened the doors and let the dinosaur out. We played that game a few times, and created a ramp to roll the cars down. The bottles I used as pins for a knock-em down game. A is practicing throwing at the moment and using his words. I got to collect two sets of data at once, as he asked for the ball (with much improvement on his enunciation) and aimed the ball to knock down the pins. I love it when the learning is natural and not too forced. Saying words correctly is really hard for A. He tends to say the end of the word "all" instead of the beginning "ba", so the fact that he loved the game meant he was willing to put the effort in to get it right.
I discovered a website about whole brain learning on Autism Games. While the website is an educational tool not specific to autism I agree that there are elements that will work well for these kids who need a little more to keep them focused. One of the elements of Pivotal Response Training is Responsivity to multiple cues. This means that they need to process the sounds as well as the visual, or the kinesthetic. You can imagine the difficulty learning language if you can only look or listen, not both at the same time. You see the ball, but you don't hear the word, or you hear the word but can't see what they are talking about. Due to information processing difficulties they don't always make the connections between the words we use to label things. Using gestures to anchor the phrases in memory is also a tool of NLP (neurolinguistic programming) and spells. They hear the words, they see the gesture, they mimic the gesture while saying the words. The use of repetition and familiarity will appeal to most children with autism also. It will be different working one on one rather than in a class environment, but the first thing I should do is find gestures for all the common requests I make of the kids. A call to attention with a fun learned response should be easy to implement too.

Let's play!

2010-01-30T09:29:00.002+10:00

I have met S's mum now and have the framework for her program. From what I heard of Nina's evaluation, she sounds very much like a normally developing 3 year old. She still throws some tantrums, but behaves better at school than at home. She is intelligent but has a few OCD like traits. Following set routes, and not having her little brother touch her things are important. She has had a hat, fixation that she seems to be on top of. I get to go in a play with her, entice her to become involved in my games, and to accept my involvement in her games. As always with ABA, I will be taking data so that we can measure her progress. On Friday afternoons we have scheduled an artificially set up playdate with my daughter. Being a little older than S, I can explain to Aurora what we are trying to achieve, so that we can contrive situations that require her to make requests and initiate conversation. The first play date is decorating cookies, and will be facilitated by Nina. I hope I can think of a few things that will excite both girls so that S will look forward to the dates and get some positive reinforcement from her efforts to socialize, and then hopefully, S's motivation will be high enough for me to bounce off. I am not meant to involve myself too much in the playdates if possible though. I am going to try not to overthink this over the next couple of days, and wait till Tuesday when I meet S herself and try to build some rapport. I will inevitably read up on a few ideas though. I think I should just go and play with my niece Ava, for a little while and remind myself how much she loves playing with me. I can remember as a child wanting to play with people, but not always understanding what I had to do to fit in properly. Hopefully I know enough of the rules by now. I watched "4 holidays" the other night. A movie with Reese Witherspoon. It was funnyish... but I was more depressed by the reminder of how mean kids can be. The school yard is a hard world for an introvert to navigate. Hearing Nina's anecdotes during the meeting, I felt that she was more introverted than I first realised. She mentioned bringing books to read during her kids sporting events, so that she didn't have to sit in the mum's club. I have done that. Time to go practice my pretend skills.

2010-01-28T15:45:00.002+10:00

I have been so busy reading new blogs, and not emtpying my brain here. I finally gave up on trying to get by with no medication yesterday and got something for my pain. I went two months without it so I was disappointed to give in. It doesn't seem right to live a healthy lifestyle and still rely on medication, however mild, to get through my reproductive years. I tried taking fish oil for its anti-inflammatory properties but it wasn't enough. Maybe I should have been taking more?
Second day back at school and I think my schedule should settle soon. I have been up in the air with times that I could promise everyone, but the answers should fall into place this weekend. My husband is probably giving away the animal rescue job, and taking on a private arrangement with a friend who needs help with his cars. I'm sad that it hasn't worked out how he hoped. He really has a talent in working with animals and he can be good at the sales aspect too. As usual it is the human element throwing a spanner in the works. He doesn't agree with the management of the place and lot of staff are talking about leaving. I remember how proud he was, not so long ago, to be working there. Hell, he tried to convince me to go work there! I don't know if his changing work will make it easier or harder to arrange my hours. Mostly we need to balance the school pick up times. The other loose end is the new program which I have a meeting for tomorrow
No my brain is still a fried, I will try for something interesting to say tomorrow.

Whinge

2010-01-27T13:47:00.002+10:00

I know I know I shouldn't complain, but I can't get my head around anything else right now. It is hot, I have no airconditioning in my car or house and as it is the first day of my period, I am extra hot and crampy, and anxious. I misread all my kids book lists and got one of everything instead of 5 or 10 of some things so sent them to school slightly unprepared for their first day. I am waiting for D so I can pick up the kids and go to the shops to buy everything else.
Everything else is good actually, but my head can't get there until the pain and heat goes. At least the store is airconditioned.

In the deep end

2010-01-23T19:49:00.003+10:00

I found out today that Nina will not be supervising one of my programs. C has been launched, ready or not. I am sort of excited about being able to make a greater contribution to moulding the program. A lot of my unease with his program, was in feeling like we had skipped too quickly through a few steps. C is echolalic. Which essentially means he echoes. "Do you want red or green?" "Red or green." says C. The words can be clear, but to C they have no functionality. I could be asking him to sit in an ice bath. So with the language component of the program, if I gave the cue, he could finish the sentence from his selection of automatic phrases. e.g. Table and....... chair. Without the prompt there is nothing. In some cases he has learned which words get him something. Rice, said at the table gets food, but if I switch to a different food he still says rice because that worked before. Usually you need 50 functional words, mostly nouns. Then you can start pairing them together, like "Mummy up".and then you can start forming small sentences. His program is working on sentences, but unless prompted he doesn't spontaneously use 50 words yet.
I am looking into an online course of Floortime, Stanley Greenspan's program of facilitating meaningful interactions through play. I know Nina likes us to make the learning fun, and that even collecting sets of data, should feel like play to the child. So I will try to mix more of that. I think that extending the hours of therapy, and spending more time on each set, to hide the learning in the game, and reinforcement, will make it more fun for both me and the child. That's where I have been creating my own anxiety to an extent. Rush, rushing to get all the data, and then watching his attention fade, as I hope the session is nearly over. With this new program we get to colour in, and do some counting. I make a cd of some familiar classic songs to play between each transition. I also re-borrowed Lynn Koegel's book explaining PRT(Pivotal Response Training) techniques to refresh my memory. It should keep me focused on getting joint attention, and helping him attend to multiple cues(visual as well as auditory). While the play techniques will hopefully help with the motivation. Back to study then. In my element really, my favourite thing is processing new information and theorising.

things seem to be going my way

2010-01-21T16:32:00.004+10:00

I either have had great luck, or my power of intention is in full force with the new job. There is an exciting new program to work on, and the director of the therapy programs would really like to have me placed with that child. Also because Nina mayl not be running C's program much longer, she wants to make sure she has me with her programs more. I take that as a confidence boost that she is happy to keep me to herself, and feels comfortable to confide in me. She also wanted to make sure I don't burn myself out doing too much for some clients. I told her though, that I have had that conversation before with my salon managers. It may be a control issue on my behalf, that it just seems easier to do things myself to ensure they are done the way I want. She said she could relate. The luck bit of that, is that I am relieved to have another therapist on board with C, so not feel like I am abandoning him. The new therapist can get to his house, and he now also has two days of Special Education. I am hoping for Monday /Tuesday as his spec. ed. placement. So we will see if the "luck" holds out.
I may be able to include my daughter in the program with the new girl. Until S finds some own age peers, Aurora can socialise while I guide S through the appropriate behaviours in a fun way. She is intrigued by what I do, and does learning drills on her cousin and "babysits" her. She will enjoy the responsibility, I will enjoy being able to do something with her. Jaiden was keen too, but I had to tell him he was too old, and a boy, so did not fit the criteria. It wont be much of her program, but still an occasional play date to generalise her learning. The service provider was keen when she called me today to see how it could work.

Relief

2010-01-19T12:21:00.003+10:00

I finally got some workable video off to the service provider in charge of the kids programs. We have had technical difficulty till now. I was really nervous, as it is of C, the more difficult of the two for me to keep motivated with. He wasn't terribly compliant with me while I was filming either. Luckily Nina is happy, and says I have exceeded her expectations yet again. She is always complimentary, and it really helps me to hear the positive feedback. All the hours are being shifted around while parents fit in with their kindy and special education timelines. I was thinking if I could cut anyone's hours, it would be C's, but maybe this will be the motivation I need to keep it up. There will be a few social skills hours one afternoon a week, with the new girl, in February. I think it will help that she can speak and understand me. The new girl from England, wont be able to take as many hours with Aaron as we had expected, so Nina is really keen to spread me out as far as possible with the three programs. Time to juggle my hours. Certainly not the stay at home mum I was thinking I might end up being, but I like having the extra cash while my husband is unsure about his job satisfaction. Lots of politics in the animal shelter, and not all of it to do with the animals.

2010-01-16T17:56:00.004+10:00

The little kitten we have been looking after is going in to be desexed tomorrow. He has been our foster kitten since the week before Christmas so he is really settling in to our place. I am going to find it hard to send him back to the shelter with no assurances that there will be a family for him at the end. He is so smoochy, and laid back. I read about colours of cats and temperament, and he fits into the laid back black category perfectly. You can hold him under his arms with his legs just dangling and he doesn't care. Carry him like a baby, no worries. He follows me round the kitchen, and always jumps up if he sees me on the computer. We have two cats already though, and neither is on the lease. Each one adds to the catty smell in the house, as they are kept indoors. My daughter says he is her favourite. But if we keep him that makes us bad fosters, I think. We have conditioned him to regular handling, other cats, children, and dogs through the glass. He is an ideal new pet for a family with kids. If we send him back we can do the same for another kitten. The first 8-12 weeks are vital to domesticate a cat. Without enough handling they shy away from people and just don't get adopted. We can't foster dogs anymore, because one of "the boys" was getting jealous, and broke a tooth of our foster puppy. I think I see myself getting sucked into keeping the kitten though. I am the last thing standing between it. My husband has always thought it was a good idea.

vaccinations

2010-01-08T07:37:00.002+10:00

I can't read blogs this morning. I feel too rushed and anxious, although I'm not actually running late for anything. I have to fill out conscientious objector form for not having my children up to date with their vaccinations. The day care doesn't seem to mind but I will get no government assistance if I don't fill out the forms. I hate having the debate in my head, and I have to get a doctor to sign the form saying I have heard the argument for immunizing. I thought I just got all that under control and had gotten away without having to justify my opinion. There has been lots of paperwork and phone calls involved in moving back in with my husband.
I'm going to watch some footage of another therapist working with C to get some ideas before I go to work with him today, then have a late breakfast and drop the kids over to my sisters house.

New purchase

2010-01-03T13:01:00.002+10:00

I just bought a portable DVD player, an impulsive purchase for me. I thought it may help me with therapy sessions after watching a few youtube videos of ABA. I know tv works to motivate A, who I will be working with tomorrow, but it means taking him out of the room and having more distractions to deal with. Hopefully having a dvd to play will help extend his attention at the table. I am also wanting to try to use this with C to get some more enjoyment out of his rewards. I havent tried tv with him but apparently he watches Dora and Cartoons. I know he likes music too, so a bit of experimentation is in order. He had a crappy day the other day. Most of the time after lunch he would scream and cry if I asked anything of him. I don't want him to try to avoid the therapy. I will find out tomorrow how the tactic works. His mum has a few DVD's there I can try. I will probably go to the library to find some for A as he likes any sports with balls and horse races. One method of teaching, widely used for children with Autism, is video modelling. You edit video footage of the child to show only the correct response, which can then be viewed repeatedly. Apparently this can work better than watching someone else. If I get to work with the new child with aspergers we will be modelling social skills and I think video will work well with that. I also plan to slow down the individual trials I get them to do, with longer gaps for play in between. I think I may rush them to much. A short enjoyable video between each one should achieve this.
I worry when reading about aspergers, that I don't have enough instinctual social skills to be of benefit. I interact cognitively. I examine and analyse how others behave, in order to discern my response. Neurotypical people respond intuitively and don't think so much about how they are doing socially. With the young ages of the children I work with, I have enough knowledge to be able to help them, but as they get older, well I would feel like a hypocrite teaching them how to socialise in school when I wasn't the best at it myself. That is probably the reason I have studied aspects of personality and behaviour over the years. Hopefully my own learning and experience, paired with the understanding of having to process the information coming in cognitively, will be an advantage rather than a deficit. I think I recall saying on this blog that I wanted to be able to teach introverts how to deal with the world. I guess that is what I would be doing.
I have been watching Bones videos recently and some of The Big Bang Theory. They both have characters that are based on a stereotypical undiagnosed aspergers type scientist. They rely on empirical evidence and find the intricacy of human interaction irrational and difficult.
I wonder if slight tendendcies towards this type of wiring is why I had problems with the Myers-Briggs typing. As a typical female I orient towards prioritising relationships over objects and tasks. However I do this in an analytical and evidence based way, which made me question my dominant criteria for Judging. I think it helped to understand Jung's interpretation of the words thinking and feeling. Orientation towards people and relationships being feeling, and orientation towards tasks and objects being Thinking. Thinking, (or task and object orientation) is a typical male characteristic, and a characteristic of autism. (Statistically far more males have autism than females, and even then there are some gender differences in their outward behaviour.) An exaggerated version of this, is why they will focus on a fan spinning, or stacking blocks, instead of noticing the people in the room. Then because the people are only background, they don't observe their actions, or create the neural pathways that help them interpret non verbal communication. My guess is that a few of the contestants on the "Pick-up artist" have an impairment in the social connections of their brain. By learning rules that they can aply to different situations they can improve their ability to interact. Knowing rules is how some of us introverts get by in the extrovert world. However having to use the brain to consciously analyse the data coming in is draining, and so we need a break from trying to socialise appropriately. Anyway I am supposed to be playing wii, and it is hard to concentrate while taking bowling breaks every few minutes,.

Last minute chaos

2009-12-31T09:22:00.004+10:00

What a morning! I couldn't sleep last night. My husband snores when he drinks beer. It's now a confirmed cause and effect. I had thoughts running through my head about what I needed to do do today, new years eve. I had realised my sister would be away tomorrow, and I agreed to work, so organise child care options, especially as my mum is with her too. Tell D that I didn't want him to transfer paperwork into my name, in case it interuppted the vacation care payments for each Thursday. Usually I can write it all down to clear my head and focus on my breath. The snoring put me off though, and I eventually got up and took my pillows into my sons queen size bed. Peace! Then I got up early, with Jaiden staring at me wondering why I was in his bed. Cooked ham and eggs for breakfast. (Finally done with the leftovers from Christmas) Made lunches, repotted a plant, tidied the front entrance, put therapy toolbox in my car and drove off to vacation care....which was closed. The gates were locked, no one inside. Was I late for an excursion? They usually don't leave till 9. I rang another mum. They are shut until 4 January! How could I have missed that! So with no other options, I had to ring the mother of my therapy child and cancelled. I hate cancelling, but she was really good about it. I don't feel as anxious as I could have been. I had a few moments as my "indoors only" cat discovered that the 2nd storey bathroom window was open wide enough to escape. Then my daughter stood on a shard of broken glass. The day is now freed up to get some more stuff done. I even have a free movie ticket to use by today if there is a kids movie on. I can get to the park earlier to get a spot for this evenings entertainment, and the kids can use the new shoe wheels I bought for them yesterday. All in all I think I am adapting well to the years last ditch effort to throw some chaos at me.

I have intentions for a fantastic 2010

2009-12-30T21:45:00.005+10:00

kids in the park at last years new years festivities

New years day tomorrow. We plan to walk down to the water tomorrow afternoon, after I get home from work. There is a stage set up for some local entertainment, usually a sausage sizzle, and fireworks at 9. Plenty of families around. I will bring our picnic blanket, set up a spot, eat down there, and have a drink. I never see midnight in, so this suits me fine. I also wake up bright and early on the first morning of the new year. I think it sets a better precedent than a sleep in and hangover. So what resolutions do I have?

My intentions for 2010.

Be more present for my kids.
Enjoy the company of my husband
Bring a creative spark to my new job
Limit anxiety
Make time to make things
Appreciate the extra time I have while the kids are home
Limit time spent in the "technical world"

I think that is enough. Too many and I won't be able to focus on any of them with real intent. I should do a ROBERTA with each one. It is an acronym for a tool to help you achieve goals. It is from this course I ordered.

R - Rest in the NOW. (the Eckhart Tolle kind of now) accept that it is the way it is and be truly ok with that.
O - Objective. My intention. Stated in a sensory way as if it already is. e.g.How does it actually look, feel, sound when I am being present with my kids.
B - Beliefs. What beliefs do I have that are sabotaging my success? e.g I don't really have enough time. I'm too introverted. I get sidetracked by my own stuff.
E - Empowering beliefs. Ones to replace the limiting ones. e.g. I can make time once I see my priorities laid out clearly, and schedule time to do the things that are important to me.
R - Rung. Of the ladder. What is the next step to take, to move towards my goal? e.g. write a list of activities that I can conceivably do on a regular basis, that would get me actively involved with the kids.
T - Take the next step. Visualise myself doing this. Know that I am going to make time to write this list tomorrow morning, and will probably have half the list written in my head by the time I shower tonight.
A - Accept a miracle. Accept that once you are open to something new, opportunities will present themselves to you. Ways to fulfil your next step, sometimes in ways you didn't expect.

Too late to do them all tonight. Maybe that is a plan for New Years Day. Oh and another thought I had before. My husband has a ticket in the big 30 million lotto. I was playing the what I would do with 30 million. One was to do a psych degree, part time so I can still do the mum thing how I want. The other was to do a carpentry course so I could oversee the building of an alternative materials holiday home. I have had little dreams of teepees and hobbit homes, beach shacks and straw bale homes. When you have dreams like these which seem unobtainable, hence the 30million, I think that I should be finding small ways to include them into my life. Lets start with a little no-dig garden bed, a tangible and measurable goal. And maybe become better aquainted with the nearest recycling station. Maybe 2010 can be the year of "just how cheap can I get!"

Dreaming of attempted kidnappings.

2009-12-30T10:30:00.003+10:00

A recurring theme in my dreams of the last few days has been attempted kidnappings. In one I was watching the news of a wanted man seen with a younger male, and then later when I was going to my car in a carpark a man asked me to lean into his car to help him with directions. I refused and yelled out to another lady in the car park. The man in the car took off and I tried to get his plates but I always have problems with numbers when I dream. He was a bearded older man that I recognised from the news earlier. I think no one else was taking it seriously but I knew he was trying to abduct me.
Then last night I was walking down the street and passed a outdoors "church" gathering of some sort. I was listening to their music and the admiring the pretty crafts as I walked. A girl was leaving but stopped to ask if she could show me around. She was very nice but I remember thinking that she would have been told to approach any interested passers by as an evangelist. It seemed harmless so I went along with her up to the house. There was a lady there and I remember something about glitter and pearl. I think I went through to a bathroom or something and read a poem on the wall in rainbow coloured writing with a pearly glaze over it. The first passage was harmless but when I rubbed the pearlly stuff it revealed a more sinister verse underneath. I knew she was trying to trap me and I had to trick her into thinking I didn't know what she was up to. I stayed and painted a mural on the wall with the pearly paints like I was enjoying myself and I think I might have run but I can't remember if I got away. I also remember walking through the field with my eyes shut. The church people thought maybe I was blind. The woman reminds me of the witch in the Hansel and Gretel story, luring me in with shiny things and pretty music then not letting me go. I often can't open my eyes in dreams, like part of me knows I am still in a sleeping body with my eyes shut. I can always see what is going on but no amount of effort will let me open them. This dream was a clinger. I kept drifting back into it, and it felt bad. When D tried to kiss me goodbye i jumped.
Does part of me feel like it is being trapped and wants to escape? In both cases there was deception from the kidnapper, rather than force. One male, one female but both older. I have driven past a Bahai church that looked interesting and talked about many faiths that I was thinking of looking up. Am I nervous that religion will suck me in? Hmm I don't think it was about religion. More about mistrust and being duped.

Chain Mail? or Legit petition.

2009-12-29T08:43:00.002+10:00

I just got an email from my Aunt that was forwarded on from MADD. Like a chain letter I guess, add your name and pass it on. I sent it on to the couple of people I email that she hadn't already sent it to. I looked them up to see that it was a legitimate group. But wouldn't there be a heap of different lists with all different signatures on them? If they only want 5000 signatures and the first 10 people sent them out to different people who signed and then so on their would by now be hundreds of different emails floating about with different names on them. Is someone going to cross reference the names when they finally get back to headquarters. And what if each of those only gets to 4700 and none get sent in? I don't quite get the logic even though I support the cause. Working with young people in the salon I would hear boastful stories about how drunk they were before they drove home. I would point out that I share those roads, and if they made a simple mistake while drunk they could cause a fatality. It could be me, my brother or sisters, my kids. Someone's family. I didn't think it was funny. I really think it was the first time someone hadn't just laughed along with them.

2009-12-29T08:09:00.002+10:00

Have been sticking to my commitment to get more photos of the family these holidays. I will try to print some out for my kids too. They both like tangible things. This is my son learning to use his snorkelling gear that he got for Christmas. The first day was a bit of a failure. The rubber pulled his hair and pinched his face, he sucked up water through his nose and water got into his eyes. I sort of half drowned him when I thought he was laughing and it was just muffled crying through the snorkel full of water. He didn't think to use his hands to just take the goggles off in his panic. I have always pushed them to try again though, and he knows enough not to argue with me about it. The following day, I shaved his hair a lot shorter at the back, resized the mask and promised not to touch him, so he could go at his own pace. Success! He loves being able to stay under the water for great lengths of time. As an introvert, I loved the solitude of being underwater. The sound is muffled, so you can be alone even on a crowded beach or pool. His sister was a bit left out though. They would normally play together, but he was so absorbed in his new skill. She really wants a set so we will go shopping with her Christmas money to buy her a set with a narrower mask. She used Jaiden's without too much trouble, but a little more water gets in through the sides.
I also taught Jaiden the rules of chess, with his new games board. He needs someone his own level though as it is disheartening for him to play against me and his sister doesn't know the rules enough yet. While he was upset at losing again I think it was good for him to feel how his little sister must feel when he beats her, and sometime gloats a little too much. I make an effort to point out what other moves he could have made, and which pieces of mine he had the opportunity to take, but I don't dumb down my game. Hopefully it will be much more gratifying when he beats me. I found a website for kids to learn chess and I don't doubt that he has the brain to be able to win a game against me in the not too distant future. The website will allow him some wins in the meantime though.
Today we are going to Movie world to see the set of the Dawn Treader. The latest installment of the Narnia series, which was shot more in studio, due to the huge number of ocean scenes. I am also going to see Kasey Chambers perform. She is an Australian country music singer. I like my kids to see live music, and this is included in the Movie world ticket that we have passes for. I don't have her most recent albums but I always love her performances.
Then we are going to see Avatar in 3D. Man these kids are going to be wiped out today.

hi

2009-12-26T10:21:00.002+10:00

I am a bit dissapointed by how many photo opportunities I missed on Christmas day. I guess that means I was more involved in the festivities instead of just documenting them. So I am going to make an effort to get the camera out over the next few weeks of the school holidays.
I am actually enjoying having the wii to play with. Really fun for the whole family. Even my mum wants to come down and play for a bit one day. In fact I am about to go and join in the fun now.

Merry Christmas Everybody.

2009-12-25T05:56:00.001+10:00

We Wish You a Merry♪♫•¨•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•¨•♫♪ Christmas♪♫•¨•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•¨•♫♪We Wish You a Merry ♪♫•¨•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•¨•♫♪Christmas ♥ ♥ ♥We Wish You A Merry ♪♫•¨•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•¨•♫♪Christmas ♪♫•¨•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•¨•♫♪...And A Happy New Year!♪♫•¨•.¸¸♥¸¸♥P.s. I pinched this!

I hope you all have a wonderful day full of surprises, and good company. It's one of those mornings where you wake up and have a split second to think. "Oh I'm tired, might just lay here a little longer." then you remember it's Christmas and there are little people in the next room just waiting to open their Christmas stockings and get on with the party. Time to jump out of bed and get camera ready. My kids got a wii amongst other things. Trying to make their computer time more active since I can't make them stop playing completely. We also got tickets for the whole family to go see cirque du soleil. Aurora is going to love it! Time to go and lay out the munchies, and D is going to work to feed the dogs and cats at the shelter before Christmas lunch.

All is well.

2009-12-19T20:09:00.002+10:00

My next day WAS better. I raided my kids toys to find some new and novel reinforcers. Out of them all he liked the thing that turns into a gremlin. The cute furry one. I made sillier noises, and made more of a sing song out of things, and I had chips to offer. I felt like we made more progress. I got some more data of his pretend play, which had me a little stumped before. I found a toy clothes dryer, and pretended to wash his shorts. I sung a song while they "washed" then took them out again. Yay he copied. Imitation is one of the first skills we work on in a program, as children with autism don't always pay attention to the world around them to learn things, until we teach them that it is worthwhile. I have an extra long session with him on Monday until his babysitter gets there to take over, so I am going to take my swimmers and have a longer break after lunch with him. Try to get some words out of him. Hope he likes splashing. Or maybe if I play drown, or blow bubbles or something.
I was worried about emailing Nina also, and I think I needn't have worried. I did my research and sent her a "found it" email shortly after. She was at a funeral so didn't get either till she got back and was happy that I had worked it out. She said he can be a little bugger sometimes but don't underestimate him. Why do I think everyone expects me to be perfect straight off? I usually make a good impression, and I am my own biggest critic. I have more hours than I need based on their comfort with my level of competence. So why the second guessing? Just my nature I guess. I am having a weekend off without worrying about Autism. I got lots of cleaning and shopping done today. I bought a new vacuum head that was my favourite purchase, the carpets are looking great. Plus if I didn't go back to the shops again I would be ok now just topping up at the local till after Christmas. All is good, now off to watch the carols by candle light on tv.

A little disheartened.

2009-12-18T07:23:00.002+10:00

Talk about ups and downs. On Monday we had a team meeting about one of the boys I work with. Make sure we were all on the same page. I needed clarification on a couple of the tasks I was teaching. Nina said she would like to see some video footage from both me and A's mum. So she needs to buy a second hand video. I brought my camera in the next day to see If I could get some video in the meantime. I did, and felt satisfied with my progress as I watched it back. Nina asked me not to bring the video though, as she wanted A's mum to become more proficient in running the program, and to take a step back so she doesn't become dependent on me. She said to take it as a compliment that she has never had to ask a therapist to do less before, but I hate having to be told stuff without working it out on my own. So I was a little anxious. Then yesterday with C I jus. It felt like I wasn't getting anywhere with him. I could babysit him all day, I don't find his behaviour challenging in that way, but he isn't overly motivated to get these tasks right which slows his progress. I felt drained by the end of it. I decided to email Nina to ask for hints, but agonised over whether I should be bothering her with the problem. Would she start to think that she had made a mistake in judging my proficiency so quickly. I think because he has another therapist who seems to get so much out of him I feel more out of my depth. She has been in the states since the beginning of his December program so I have nothing to compare with yet. I know it is in my nature to overthink any interaction I have with other people, and that they usually don't give it much more than a second thought. I haven't recieved a reply back. I hope that today I don't feel that last hour stretching out thinking "What do you want!? " I just want him to want something enough to ask for it, or to try for it. He is on a restricted diet so no lollies or biscuits. Which I commend them for doing. I don't even know if he would try harder for those things.
I need my best animated voice this morning. And make a few games out of the things we do, and try for a few more gross motor activities. Today will be better.

Update

2009-12-10T21:44:00.002+10:00

I have once again had computer issues. Apparently the power supply is broken so my computer shuts down after a few minutes. I have borrowed an old laptop with a broken screen from my sister and hooked it up to my screen. It will get me by but I am used to a larger and faster system than this one. I think my career change has gone pretty well. I finished up a little over a week ago and am not missing the salon. It is great to not have to get salon ready every morning before I leave the house. I am making progress with both kids I work with, and both would like me to be available for more hours. I feel like I am getting comfortable enough to trust my instincts and put my stamp on their programs. C is the older of the two boys and has been doing ABA the longest. However I can see areas where he is definitely no further along than what A is. I feel like we should take a step back in his language program to make sure he is really absorbing the learning in a meaningful way, not just getting through the Data. We are trying to teach him sentences, when there are probably not 50 words that he uses spontaneously through the day. I am trying to tweak his program to involve more things and activities he would normally use in a day. Also I am not modelling words to him as much during data as he is echolaic and he is able to repeat back complete sentences without really retaining it. I think of it like trigonometry at school. I can't remember how any of it works, but I did well on all my tests. I learnt enough to get through exams and then promptly forgot it all because it had no relevance to me. Relevance is the most important thing in these programs I think. That is where the motivation comes from to overcome any sensory processing difficulties or what ever else they are struggling against. Where I struggle is in sounding animated enough all the time. I think I could sing the whole lesson though. With A it is easier for me to sound excited because I can see more of a reaction. He seems to make so much progress all the time too. He wants stuff. I told C's mum today, find out what he wants and then get in the way. I am doing two afternoon sessions with him. Usually the kids are more receptive in the morning and the sessions are shorter in the afternoon too. So I am going to try to get in the way more and do slightly less "school" on those days. His mum seems happy for me to make these changes to his plan to make the skills more functional. Both mums want to see their child capable of fitting into a normal school one day.
I will probably be adding one more child next year. She has Aspergers, so didn't have the same language delays as the two boys, but will need help with social skills and behaviour and certain tasks. It will be good to have both a girl and a different aspect to the ABA program. Well that's the update for now, just have to read everyone elses blogs to catch up on the stories.

More good news

2009-11-17T10:10:00.002+10:00

Got a call from Nina, (The psych in charge of my ABA programs) She wanted to say how well she thinks I'm doing, and to let me know she has big plans for me! Yay! Already! In the new year she wants to set me up to be able to train parents how to do the PRT (Pivotal Response Training) themselves. PRT uses a more naturalistic environment, and tries to utilise naturally occuring opportunities to learn. When you find something the kid really wants, use that motivation to encourage learning. Adapt your language and the environment to stimulate spontaneous interaction. I just finished readin Nanny 911 to get some ideas on behaviour interventions on normally developing children. Mostly because I think the biggest first step in A's program is setting him some boundaries and pushing him to achieve more. A lot of the Nanny 911 job is educating the parents to be consistent and firm, but loving. The children fall into line once the rules are known. Since most Autistic children like patterns and routine, this should be of help. Adding the "train the parent" element to this job would be the ideal tweak to make it really suit my favoured ways of working.
So much work to do today though. I am getting the last of my stuff out of the apartment. It is stinking hot out there, and I want to get this place organised into some semblance of a home by this afternoon too. All this while getting the kids from school, letting in the electrician, and organising some food for dinner and picking up a book from the library. So I better get cracking.

I quit

2009-11-13T15:55:00.002+10:00

I just sent an email to the general manager to notify her of my resignation. It was so scary, and I haven't even spoken to her yet. It marks the end of an era for me. Almost 12 years of hairdressing, and 5 years with this salon group. Yes I still can go back to it, but I don't plan to. I think that keeping a backup plan is sort of sabotaging yourself to some extent. I have to believe that this is the right thing to do, and move on, and let go. I have brains and compassion and drive, so I can't see why I wouldn't be as good as, if not better than, a lot of the uni students that currently offer their time as ABA therapists. I have the initiative to seek out knowledge specific to this line of work. and experience as a mother which is irreplaceable. I know it sounds like I am trying to convince myself. This is typical of me everytime I make a big change. I always doubt myself first, and D is my cheerleading team. I wonder when I will hear back.

Yay for Success!

2009-11-12T12:18:00.003+10:00

This mornings therapy session with Aaron went great! We spent most of the morning in his bedroom. There were minimal tantrums, his current tactic is to give up quietly or surrender to looking at me. I was able to collect data on his shape sorting, which he would do for sultanas. We had a little rasberry blowing conversation. He enjoyed quiet tickles on his arms and legs, looking at me and offering the appropriate arm or leg as the request. There was good compliance when I asked him to move closer. And I discovered he liked being squished under my weight, with a pillow between. His mother was able to get stuff done around the house while all this went on. She has asked me to visit three times next week. A rewarding morning all round. I am glad to be going into this next meeting after a positive morning.

Where do I set my benchmark?

2009-11-11T18:13:00.002+10:00

Aha! A difficult part for me in ABA, is that there is no one around for me to compare myself with. In hairdressing I can look at another stylist at work and think "I can do that" or "Wow! That's a new trick, I will need to learn that." While I am actually doing the therapy session I get little feedback from anyone but Aaron, who is usually thinking that I am making him work hard. In the salon I pay a lot of attention to body language of my clients, to see if they are unsure of anything I am doing before they have to mention it to me. If they touch their hair while I am working, I always ask if there is anything else we could do to that part. Luckily Nina, who directs the program is strong on positive reinforcement as a rule. So she keeps telling me that she is lucky to have me on, and that I am doing well. I am glad to have found her to work with. Also..meeting Christian tomorrow, his mother has had other therapists for the last two years of his program. So she will be able to give me some feedback hopefully and some ideas. Just being able to read over the previous data sheets will be helpful.

Here's where the hard work starts

2009-11-10T19:41:00.003+10:00

This morning was a challenge. I had my second therapy session on my own with Aaron, and I worked every minute of it. I needed the next hour to wind down The hardest bit was that I didn't feel like he was enjoying the session enough for it to be motivating. I don't want to give in at all to him, because he needs consistency or we are right back where we started. I want him to not hate therapy though. He has to see motivation to put all this hard work in. I did get some good giggles out of him when I was tickling him. I got some good eye contact for blowing bubbles too. I can tell him "nice hands" with my hands out in front, and he will put his hands in mine for a swing up to the bed. I think that is good compliance and good interaction, but I'm not sure if I should be pushing for eye contact every time as well as that. I need to see how well he sorts shapes and help him improve. For that to be at all fun I think I should not push the eye contact, as he sees that as a real power struggle. For animals, staring is a dominance issue. If I stared at my cat she would look away too. I think this is relevant to Aaron in particular because he looks straight into your eyes if he is going to pinch or hit you. He thinks eye stare is dominant, so maybe he feels the discomfort like a cat, and I am forcing him. I understand he needs to learn to read a persons eyes, but you can see how this has to be really rewarding for him to override the instinct to look away. I like to be able to come home and read about things relating to the therapy, and theorise how all the different theories fit in. I am reading Temple Grandins book on How to make your pets happy. She looks at behaviour but adds an emotional element. As in, all behaviours are driven by an emotion, satisfy the emotion and you can control the behaviour. This is slightly different to the true idea behind ABA therapy which is purely behaviorist. I still find the idea, of stimulating certain areas of the brain to get certain responses or emotions, fascinating. So much of what I had thought of as my personality I now put down to chemical balance, DNA, and electrical impulses.
Anyway, back to the salon tomorrow. Two staff members just resigned, the manager was fired two weeks ago, and one more staff member is soon to take maternity leave. I feel both anxious and excited to be probably leaving before Christmas. I need a break to get settled into the house with D, and will most likely appreciate the chance to absorb the new work. I think it will be less draining as I become more sure of the effect I am having. Off to read again though before Lie to Me on tv tonight.
(Geez, I say I a lot!)

It all starts today.

2009-11-03T15:47:00.002+10:00

This morning I had my first meeting with a family of a child with Autism. I also got to meet Nina, the psychologist in charge of these programs. After 3 hours with a child who doesn't like to be told what to do, and is used to getting everything he wants, who pinches and doesn't speak, screams and doesn't like to make eye contact, I feel like I have found my calling. I left feeling great, like I knew what to do. Nina seemed impressed with what I had to bring to the table and how I was able to step in and get started straight away. I was able to get A to look at me in order to get some wiggles music, once he had established that I wasn't going to give it to him any other way. I will be working on gettting him to understand that he has to work for the things he really wants. I can take cues from him as to what things will be motivating enough to get compliance from him. Nina made reference to the Lynn Koegel book I have been reading, I had it in the car with me so she asked me to get it to show the mother. I am glad she likes that book, as it is the one that resonates with me the most as far as the type of therapist I would like to be. It is important to me to be happy about the type of training she will be asking of me. She told me I did really well. I had a cancellation from the family that lives far away, and she may just be avoiding setting up a program, in which case Nina may have some other families for me now she has confidence that I can do this. The mother asked if when could I come back. I rang the salon boss straight away to let her know I wanted Friday's off starting asap, and let the receptionist know too. If I believe that this essence is working for me then my ideal was that the currumbin family would find someone else, and that a family closer to home would come up. Nina is being strict about the commitment of 30 hours training from each family. Not just from me but in combination with the work they do themselves. Maybe that wont go down well with that mother. It would be ideal to work with a family that was able to keep the therapy going in between sessions once we had set up the pattern. The ball is rolling, I will meet with the salon boss tomorrow, I intend for everything to fall in line with me doing just Thursdays and Saturdays and very quickly filling up those extra hours with kids.

Finally put to work.

2009-10-27T09:43:00.002+10:00

It looks like there may be three families on the Gold Coast who can use me. One is down at Currumbin which is further away than I had hoped but there is always a silver lining. On one day I can combine the therapy with an evening in the salon, which is also on the southside of the coast. On the other I can take my board and go surfing or even just a swim and a bake. It is one of my favourite beaches on the coast. I could maybe even use the opportunity to catch up with Moni who lives down there, or some occasional shopping. I can use D's car on those days, as it is better for highway drives. Also as someone untrained in this field, I am happy to make concessions to start with, and later have more options to choose clients closer to home. I agreed to work with a family at Ormeau, near the farm I used to live on, and will be meeting them on Sunday, then meeting the currumbin family on Monday. A third mum doesn't have a lot of money to devote to this, but probably needs 5 hours or so, and is at Southport, which is just down the road.
D is reassuring me that we can afford for me to do this, and without needing to burn myself out by working my hairdressing job over Christmas too. It is scary to think about not working over Christmas, it is a busy trading time, so lots of money to be made also. The flip side is the family memories that I could be working on with time to spend with the kids instead. In ten years time which will be more important. I can think of certain clients who will not be pleased to hear that I wont be working in the salon any more. Initially I will work Thursday afternoons and Saturdays in the salon, assuming that this will work for all the families involved. If for some reason I hate it, I will have the salon back up plan. But really I need to get out of hairdressing at some point. It is not a job to be doing into my 40's unless I have my own salon, and I don't want to employ others.

My eulogy

2009-10-26T14:17:00.002+10:00

I haven't the time to devote to answering this question properly myself, but I thought I would note it down to ensure I got around to it eventually. When I die, what do I want people to think about my life? I don't know that I want a funeral, but the original was what would you want them to say at your funeral? I think it was rules of successful people or something. Think about the different roles you play to different people, and which ones are important to you. Like what do I want my kids to say, my parents, my siblings, my coworkers. Do I really want to be remembered for giving a good haircut? Not really, I would however like to be remembered for using my time to help others. Maybe that a child that I worked with, grew up to remember that I helped them. Or my sister that I was there for her. That I used my brain to good purpose, and life was better for me having been around. What will my legacy be? The idea behind it is that once you visit the ghosts of Christmas future, you will begin to live your life in a way that will result in people seeing you in that light. Also it should help you focus on which roles are most important to you.
I was a bit disheartened to hear that the family I got in contact with today lives much further away than I had realised. Hopefully it is just a small hurdle, if I have enough work in the area to make the drive worthwhile, the gained experience will be good.

great day

2009-10-23T21:11:00.002+10:00

Just had a lovely dinner out with friends at a local restaurant. I am not sure why it was as quiet as it was. I really enjoyed the food there. I wouldn't eat the five spice steak again though. Not my favourite flavour combination.
I also got a call from the director of the ABA program today now that she is back in the country. I have the number to call the mother of a child with Autism to talk about setting up a program together. I will call on Monday. I have a nervous excitement about it all. I will make sure to be ready for any questions she might ask me, as I believe she has reservations about hiring a hairdresser to teach her child.
People keep telling me it takes a special person to do that job. Partly yes, but more so it takes someone to just turn up. I guess a lot of people wouldn't think to apply for this position unless they were studying a similar occupation or have a child with Autism. A lot of the time lately I have seen people in certain jobs and thought they must have something different to me. I think now, that they just had the gumption to apply for it. I have the intelligence, so I think I should be using it, and not thinking that other people have something better than me. I don't think I realised before, that not everyone has book smarts. I tend to be able to process information well from reading.
I found my journal where I write down any random info I want to keep. I had Cert III welfare/child services as one of the first jobs I thought to explore, after being told that the psychic thought I could be more useful elsewhere. This seems pretty full circle, and once I have done ABA, if I wanted to expand on that I could look at respite for Autistic disabilities.
The email from the director was even more promising, as she mentioned another family and would I be interested in sharing my time between them. I let her know that I could cut my hairdressing hours to fit in this work as more of a priority. Out of the letters I sent she was the only one to reply, but it seems to be paying off well. I can't wait to begin a program and start experiencing not just reading about it.

The science

2009-10-20T10:38:00.002+10:00

This article on a sociability neuron found in worms, may be relevant to autism. Since an overgrowth of neural pathways is found in people with ASD. If this same neuron was found in the human brain, and was shown to be damaged or overgrown, it could explain some of the problems with social behaviour. I am really enjoying finding out more about neuroscience. Even if it is only in laymens terms.
Here is an interesting article on the role of Oxytocin in love and romance. It explains the story of how a species of vole are more monogamous if they have more receptors for oxytocin.

Chemical romance

2009-10-20T10:16:00.002+10:00

Reading more on Autism in another book by Temple Grandin. I keep getting back to the idea of personality being derived from chemical and genetic causes. I can be a different person depending on the balances of estrogen, caffeine, oxytocin, insulin, adrenalin etc running through my body. My thought patterns are governed by the neuron pathways that grew as a child. My brain compensates for non connected areas by becoming more reliant on others, therefore becoming more visually or musically oriented. Certain foods and hormones have more of an influence on my wellbeing and happiness than any external force.
I like the affectionate me that I become just after my period, less anxious. However I become more driven during the uncomfortable week of pms. While being unsociable I read and learn and clean. I move to change my envirionment. A week later I don't really care as much. I like both at different times. If I learned to control my pms, would I lose my motivation? Maybe I should learn to harness the benefits of all the parts of my "personality" not modulate them. I had thought of getting some natural progesterone to ease my anxiety and cramps, maybe help my restless legs and oversensitivity.

All dogs have ADD

2009-10-10T20:06:00.003+10:00

I can't find the exact reference in Animals in Translation, but Tempe mentions that some dogs need a job. Certain breeds like cattle dogs and sheep herding collies, or sled pulling huskies, can't be left in a small house as a companion with out a job to do, or they go a little stir crazy. They might dig, or chew things or run away, generally misbehaving. The trick is not to punish the dog, but give it a job. I know that at the welfare league, they have an interview process for dogowners to assess whether they would be able to provide the dog with a good home. For certain breeds this would require a decent yard and physical activity. I think this theory would well be applied to children with ADD. If we put them in a confined space without the opportunity to use their active minds, should we punish them for being distracted and fidgety and talking? I think we need to give the same care and thought to keeping the mind of the child with ADD stimulated. Have classes whose teachers naturally spend more time in active learning instead of behing desks, and interview the children and parents to find out their learning style before putting them in a class. Some students learn best by rote, some by getting their hands in. Why not accomodate them some. Still aim for the same learning outcomes but via different paths. I will have to find that website for adults with ADD, that helps them harness the talent they have for creative thought and multitasking. I got a book called all dogs have ADD that helps kids understand some of their behaviours and quirks. Very interesting.

Emotions

2009-10-07T07:36:00.002+10:00

Another thing I forgot to add last night, was about emotions. Part of Temple's book Animals in Translation was saying emotion is always linked to reason and logic. You feel like you're using logic, but you're actually using logic guided by emotion. You just aren't aware of the emotion. One bit of evidence was that people with high intelligence who lost their ability to have a gut feeling through damage to the frontal lobe, couldn't function in society. They couldn't make decisions using logic alone. Fear anger happy, emotions tell you what outcome to expect from certain actions therefore you can choose which action to take. T(hinkers) have emotions that relate to objects and F(eeling) have emotions that relate to people and relationships. Obviously that's oversimplifying but that's what made the use of words to describe objects or feelings stand out to me. This might explaing some of the confusion I had over deciding which one I was when doing my own profile. I was definitely thinking of human relationships to evaluate good and bad perceptions, but wasn't aware of the emotions driving the evaluation because I was using logic and reasoning. I thought being feeling meant I wasn't using logic. Just as being thinking doesn't mean you don't use emotion.

Not chosen persality types but genetically defined?

2009-10-06T21:17:00.003+10:00

I couldn't keep focused enough to read Piaget, so I don't know how I think I will make sense of this, but lets have a crack at it. Ok. Jung's personality types. Sensory vs Intuitive. From what I am reading this is very much to do with frontal lobe development. It seems to be also details vs concept, again a wiring issue. When we draw a cat we draw our concept of a cat, an iconic image, even if it is in front of us we still modify to fit our mental concept. A details sensory person see's a curved claw, a furred paw, a bent limb, a whisker pad etc. Someone with ASD has difficulty taking these details and creating a concept. And someone without has difficulty seeing the details instead of the concept. This is why an art class will require you to turn a picture upside down to draw it, or use the negative space. Then we see details because it is harder for our brain to make the image fit a concept. We can't do both though because seeing the concept takes away from the details and vice versa. An injury to the concept part of the brain can result in improved detail clarity. just as a newly blind person will find their hearing improves. If the program for sorting information into generalized categories gets turned off and we are inundated with sensory perceptions. Some people must just be wired to use more or less of these parts of the brain.
The other new bit of info for me was about the thinking vs feeling. All action and decision is driven by emotion. Emotions relating to objects and tasks. (thinking) or emotions relating to people and relationships (feeling). I think it was a speech pathologist writing about the language used from one type of child to label objects compared to language used to describe feelings. Which comes first the language (and mental capacity for a certain type of language) or the type.
Also if there is a predisposition for men to be T and there is a genetic reason for this, then society rewarded this way of judgement, then selective breeding would result in more men like this. There is also an imbalance of boys with ASD to girls. Is there a genetic reason for men to be T not F relating to the language part of their brain, and that survival of the fittest required this trait, so overselected for it, resulting in more boys being born with impairment to their social function? is there a gene that is sometimes found in women that causes them to be more T and this also makes them more susceptible to ASD. Lots of grammar mistakes I'm sure, but the ideas are out of my head now so I can go watch tv and go to bed.

Motivation to socialise

2009-10-06T11:03:00.004+10:00

Teaching independence has always been my goal for my kids. Now I need to teach dependence and interaction. With my kids, I try to find ways to keep them entertained on their own, without needing to come and get me every 10 minutes. With ASD, I am making sure all of the games I suggest, require another person to make it fun. Then the child will seek out people instead of playing alone all day. I need to make sure they have success, when they make an attempt to communicate in any way, so they will repeat the effort. That is how I will teach motivation. I am attempting to speak slower, and not ask questions I don't expect an answer to. I have also been learning a couple of basic signs to start to introduce. I have borrowed the book from the library, so I will record the signs when I learn them, to help me remember. My kids are keen to learn to so we can use them together. It was helpful to play with Ava yesterday with these developmental ideas in mind. She can make requests(even if only with a point and a grunt sometimes) and expect a response, use language to respond (do you want this? "yes" "no"), understand sequence,(do this, then get that), ask questions, watch my face for cues, and is learning to take turns. She loves having someone to play with. She even tolerated me refusing to carry her when I was doing something else, after a couple of tantrums proved ineffective.
More reading today after lunch. I have Aurora home from school today, as she passed out while I was examining her ears this morning. Just needs to dry behind them better, but she must have been worried it was worse. So terrible to watch though. Must have been scarier for my mum because she didn't understand it when I used to do it. Over to my sisters tonight for our tuesday dinner. I am taking food to her this time since she has just come home with her newborn.

to do list

2009-10-04T14:09:00.002+10:00

Ok. I got the idea from Shelly to write a to-do list for October so I can tick off some goals. I will keep it short since I should probably be doing stuff not just talking about it.
In October I will start practicing ABA therapy by involving Ava in some shared activities. This will help my sister have some time with little Eli too and make sure Ava doesn't feel left out.
I will keep reading up as much as possible on ASD especially low functioning autism to be ready.
I will start compiling toys and books as resources to take with me to visit children.
I will get more organised with the end of week shopping duties so I am not caught out when the kids arrive for breakfast on Sunday morning. Maybe check out online shopping.
I will spend my time with the children doing tasks together, instead of giving them vague directions.
I will have my new available times to give to OscarOscar.
I will spend time with D
I will drink at least 4 glasses of water a day.
I will drink water before eating chocolate.
I will make one attempt at going out with someone not in my family for a social outing.
I will set up my worm farm at D's new house
I will visit my cats.
I will have my clothes room organized.
Now I feel motivated to get the house clean.

Eli William Dawson

2009-10-04T09:00:00.002+10:00

Here he is! Little Eli. We went up to say hello on his first day out in the world, he was calm and alert, and so tiny, I can't believe my kids weighed that little once.

New stuff to learn.

2009-10-02T07:14:00.002+10:00

I just added Autism games to my blog list. This was a site recommended to me by Nina, who is helping be get started in ABA therapy, I am excited to be able to learn some games to use, and that I have a focus area while she is overseas. I have concerns about switching jobs, but I get so excited when I get any new information that moves me forward in this area, that I just have to trust that this is the right way to go. Trust my gut.

New Baby!

2009-09-30T07:58:00.000+10:00

My sister has just picked up my kids to take them to mum's with her little girl, so she can have a baby! She was on babysitting duty today. I can't believe there will be a whole new little person to meet tonight. It never seems quite real to me when it's someone else's belly. I hope I can get out of work a little early to go up and see them. Hopefully I will have a new picture to post tomorrow.

2009-09-28T19:30:00.002+10:00

She called me again this afternoon, to say" I know I said I wasn't going to call but........" There's this other family in southport (not too far away from where I live) who she wasn't going to accept because she's a friend, but she has decided to supervise her childs program. Another low functioning autistic, without speech. She wanted permission to forward my details to her also. She is going to write up a program while she is away. Hopefully I will hear from one of the mothers before the 22nd when she gets back. and will meet with her on the 29th. I am pretty confident that she will reccommend me for both these families based on my enthusiasm to learn. She has told her friend that I have no prior experience but she will train me for her child. Now the scary bit will be informing my work. I am still not sure exactly what I will be expecting of them, but if it backfires and they fire me, I still have my holiday pay and my savings. I will be able to devote that time to training and building up skills and if needed, more clients.
I know to some this is going to sound like a really stupid move. Leaving a well paid job that I am good at and trained in, for a job that pays less and I have no experience in, that is a demanding job with high responsibility. On the plus side I won't have to sell. My value is dependent on how well I train the children, not on how well I recommend other services and products. I have felt this year that the salon has become more sales focused. Hopefully this job will be more flexible with hours that suit school times, not tourist trade. I hate working extra hours at Christmas when I would rather be making rocky road and listening to Christmas Carols. Another down side is the therapist job being casual, and having to work longer hours to make the same money. This will hopefully be offset by living with D and not being the sole breadwinner. Not so much pressure on me to fill that role, I can do the mum stuff too. Being available on Thursday nights to watch school concerts. Hopefully there on Saturdays too eventually. Time to cut D's hair. I discovered Aurora cut her hair today, so she had a haircut too. Very cute.

Waiting waiting

2009-09-28T08:44:00.002+10:00

I'm a little dissapointed at the moment. I was ready to call the therapy provider this morning but recieved this message.
Hi Karyn, In a few days, I'll be heading overseas for three weeks and at this point I have too much on my plate, so I doubt I'll organize a meeting with the family I thought you might work with. That said, I should also emphasize that ABA International does not hire directly; the families I work with are responsible for hiring their own staff. I match potential therapists with the families I supervise. I'll touch base with you at the end of October after I meet with the family I've mentioned and we'll take it from there!
Now I knew that she was only matching not hiring, but I'm dissapointed to have to wait until she returns with no guarantee that I will be suited to the family or any idea of what sort of hours the family would require. I feel I need to be doing something. I will take the time to read more, and learn about baby signing. Maybe the timing would be better if it coincided with my moving in with D again anyway. I'm so impatient. Also gives me time to sound out with my clients the idea of me cutting my hours to pursue another line of work. I hate to be one of those hairdressers who just dissapears. It's a nice day outside, might take my book and the kids down to the park or something.

Great book!

2009-09-27T13:48:00.002+10:00

I am currently reading Animals in Translation by Temple Grandin. She is an animal scientist with autism, and uses her unique perspective to explain how animals and autistics think. I am finding this book fascinating, and it makes me think about so many other things I have learnt. I am only about a 1/4 through, but thought I would write about some of the ideas so far. One of the biggest differences she sees with animals and normal people, is that animals see details more than the big picture. They will notice unexpected little things in their environment that relate to sensory data like noise or visuals. People tend to only see what they expect to see and focus instead on the big picture. This got me thinking about Jungs Sensory vs Intuitive. Temple herself sees in detail, as she says do Autistics and animals. Her theory about this difference is that the animal mostly relies on the paleomammalian brain, the animal brain that looks after the senses and survival stuff, humans have a more developed neomammalian brain that allows us to make associations between all the information coming into the other brain and discern what's relevant to focus on. Autistic people have a functioning neomammalian brain but have defects in the pathways that connect them to the paleomammalian brain, so they rely more heavily on the animal instinct than the frontal lobe. When you use more frontal lobe you forfeit some of your animal instincts and when you use more animal instincts you forfeit some of the frontal lobe. Does this explain the Jungian theory of being capable of both but being dominant in another. Autistic children sense a lot of things that we ignore and they can suffer because of it. D is a sensory person and relates better to animals. In the book on creative therapy I was reading they described 4 temperaments similar to personality profiles. They also put described how ADD Autism and Aspergers were more prominent in different sectors of the four temperments. So depending on which connections were formed in childhood, a person would rely more heavily on different parts of the brain, using these different parts would result in different behaviours, motivation and anxiety.
Another area she talked about was the selectivity of the frontal lobe. Our senses are overloaded with data all day everyday. Our frontal lobe scans the information and selects relevant information for us to be aware of and the rest stays in our subconcious. We ignore and tune out, a lot of data, so that we can focus on what is important to us. Jung relates this to our judging function. The Myers-Briggs addition was to decide if our dominant inclination is to filter the information or to collect it. Perceiving or Judging. People on the spectrum have an impaired ability to filter out the huge amounts of information that assails them. They are super sensitive. Does this mean that they would profile as Perceivers? Some Autistic peoples brains have switched off the sound despite having a fully functioning hearing capability. Maybe this is a coping mechanism.
She describes the super hearing of a dyslexic student of hers who can hear a transmission from a radio that has been switched off, if it is still plugged in. I can imagine that some people declared mentally unstable are predisposed to this extreme sensitivity, and hear electricity hum and radios crackling that the rest of us can't hear, and would be driven mad by it. She suggests all human brains are capable of this but unless forced to by an accident or drugs we don't know how to use this capability.
She then goes on to describe how selective breeding of physical traits almost always has a neurological effect. Too much inbreeding results in emotional neuroses, sometimes aggression. Certain physical traits often partner with certain behaviours, like animals with albino skin and blue eyes having problems. I read that there are a large number of diagnoses in silicon valley where many science and computer people live. Some of these people are possibly undiagnosed high functioning Autistic, and are selectively breeding these children with more of these traits unknowingly. Evolution at work. Maybe this is the future generation of children who can multitask, and live in a computerised world and we just haven't caught up yet.
As I said I find so much of this book fascinating and it triggers off so many little tangents in my mind so I am off to get back to reading.

They actually called me!

2009-09-25T19:07:00.002+10:00

WOW! I just got a call from ABA international. They have a local family who needs therapy, and said although it would be a tough first case, anything they can do to get this kid started would be great, when can I start?! Now admittedly I would be hired by the family, not ABA, and they haven't met me so it's not guaranteed but she seems to think they need to see me. I was driving so I had to get off the phone but WOW. Did I say that already, cause that's where my head's at? I rang D and my sister to tell them. Maybe this is it! This is my "moving forward fearlessly", just jump in. I was so convinced with running obstacles through my head, don't have the right skills etc. I will have to find out what type of hours they want set up for this kid. Actually they have two. One just slightly further out. See with the salon whether they are willing to work around me making this transition. Maybe just cutting hours, or, if I can get enough work with two families, quit and live off a bit of my savings and some family benefits until we get the housing situation worked out. Once I get some training I could supplement my income with some special needs babysitting jobs, or respite work because I would have a blue card and experience with kids. I want to tell everyone, and I'm scared it wont work out at the same time. So much for not being given a chance. I want to research all night now. I will send a follow up email next to see if Monday or Tuesday is a good day to see her. My mind is racing. I thought they might wonder at me being interested while not having an autistic child. I can't wait to talk to her properly, I would have sounded a bit dumbstruck on the phone.

Not fun, but rewarding.

2009-09-24T22:05:00.002+10:00

Someone told D that she had been working with special needs kids for 15 years and it was a terrible job, not very fun at all. I didn't imagine it would be fun, but rewarding yes. I thought of explaining to him this way. What if all the dogs that came into work were badly treated and badly trained. The easy option would be to give up on those dogs. A lot of people would think that rehabilitating those dogs would be a crap job and no fun. But D would find so much reward in getting those dogs better and back with families. That's how I feel about working with Autistic kids. Their parents are often at wits end not knowing how to connect with their children. What if I can help them look at their parents and interact? Maybe make friends one day? The breakthrough moments are what make it worthwhile. I hope I could be one of the people strong enough to make a difference in their life, despite the hardships. To be able to make more of a contribution than giving people nice hair. (Not working Christmas eve would be a bonus too.) I told my manager that I sent the emails out. And that I listed her as a reference. Luckily she wants to get out and start her own business too so she didn't mind at all!

first step towards a new career?

2009-09-22T22:51:00.003+10:00

Holy shit, I just emailed out three different applications to begin working in ABA therapy. One for volunteer work and the other two for advice and training to find work. I decided to stop procrastinating and just do it already. This is a version of what I sent to each,

Thank you for taking the time to read my resume. I’m Karyn and I would love the chance to work as an ABA therapist. This is a new direction for me and I would not expect a family to take me on with my current experience. I would like to know, what training I should undertake to help secure a position in this field?

I have spoken to clients of mine, who work with or have, children with Autism and Aspergers. One of my young clients has aspergers. I believe I can empathize with these children. I love the social aspect of my work with clients, but also value my inner world. I think I would be able to help children, giving them tools to relate more to their outer world. In a book I read some years ago, Luke Jackson spoke of not wanting to be “fixed”, just wanting to feel more in control of his aspergers. I would like to assist a child to be able to manage their behavior, to be less frustrated.

Ever since reading the book “Dibs – In search of self” for Social Science class, I have been fascinated with Psychology, behavior and development. My first choice was to study psychology, but ended up studying my second choice, Bachelor of Education, for 6 months at Uni. I enjoyed spending a week in a multi-age classroom, however I would not have been satisfied with a typical classroom setting. The class teachers did not have the luxury I had, of focused time with each student. I left uni, and eventually pursued a career in Hairdressing.

I have been very successful in my hairdressing career, and have had two children, but I still believe that I should be working in a field that allows me to pursue my interest in human behavior. I also believe I have more to offer to the community than cutting hair.

Spending time with my own children, and my nieces and nephews, I have a good understanding of developmental norms. I also assist in a grade 1 classroom as a volunteer, which exposes me to the variations within one age group. I find it especially rewarding to see improvement in the children who have difficulties in keeping up with the rest of the class. I try to be patient and caring with them, but also consistent in my expectations of them.

I have often been told I am a patient teacher, and prefer when training, to work one-o -one. I am able to explain new things in a familiar way, and enjoy taking on a mentoring role. I also learn a lot myself by teaching others. It is in my nature to be analytical. I enjoy making observations and connections between different theories and concepts. I believe this will be an asset in ABA, where this will assist me to make the connections required to best help each child.

I believe this is the ideal role for me to undertake at this time in my life, combining my genuine desire to help people, with my natural talent for analysis and mentoring. However I am aware of the difficulty and also the responsibility involved, which is why I am hoping to gain some first-hand experience and training. Thank you again for your time. I look forward to any advice or assistance you may be able to offer me .

I changed it a little to suit each location. Now I just have to sit back and hope for some feedback. Move forward fearlessly. It was actually quite scary to hit the send button each time, but I feel good now having done it.

Scared of sharks

2009-09-22T08:19:00.001+10:00

I was just looking for some snorkelling sites local to here to take the boat out to. It scares the crap out of me to hear them talking about sharky areas, best spots for leopard sharks, and nurse sharks. Also I think I need to find out a little more about tides and currents in these areas, especially before I go taking D and the kids out into the water. Luckily I have tickets to seaworld now. I will have to learn a bit more about how to recognise different types of sharks and marine life so I don't shit myself when I see a wobbegong or some other harmless creature.

Just a bit off

2009-09-22T07:37:00.003+10:00

I was a bit standoffish this morning. I have weekends where I seem to run a very low panic vibe the whole time, this is one of them. Noises bug me more, and I get twitchy, I really should just be on my own, but I had the kids and D with me. It makes me nervous when I feel like this because I remember what I like about living alone. I get to control my environment. I choose when to say something to the kids if they misbehave. When to have the t.v. on or just play music. I can just read and not have someone else in the house. That said, D did nothing wrong, he cooked dinner and bought treats and minded the stuff while I ran around at the water park. He even cleaned the dishes after. I guess I don't want to get into the habit of being in the house for the sake of being in the same house. I like the idea of dating more, where we get to do something together, then go our separate ways. Maybe when he lives just down the road it will be easier to have our time outs and then come back when we're ready to do stuff together again. Being together in one house is better for the family though, and this weekend was good family time, we just didn't do a lot together as a couple. Only a little more than two months left on my lease. So how do I make it feel like dating again when we have two kids, and all the mundane chores to be done, as well as me needing time out after spending my working week with so many people?

ADD and Autism Diets

2009-09-21T16:05:00.002+10:00

I was also reminded in the book today of the prevalence of food sensitivities in these children. I think I needed to read that to get me back on track with my eating and being creative with lunch box ideas for the kids. While they seem to thrive on any diet, I like to keep their foods diverse. I have fallen into the sandwich habbit. Next grocery trip I will buy sushi rice and seaweed, to make rolls for their lunch boxes.

ADD behaviours

2009-09-21T15:10:00.003+10:00

Am reading a book about Creative Therapies for children with Autism, ADD and Aspergers. Mostly to expand my knowledge about the children I would like to be working with. I remember thinking I could relate to certain Autistic behaviours. The focus on their internal world, sensitivity to noises and the rocking as a self comfort thing. I was surprised though, to find that I could relate to so much of the behaviours of ADD. Not the hyperactivity of ADHD but...
They lose school supplies, forget things and their rooms are usually a disaster... almost every child with ADD is unorganized and her room is cluttered, which doesn't bother her at all. The ability to multitask seems to be typical of children with ADD, their minds are constantly at work, and everything interests them. Insatiable Questioning.
I got the award on grade 5 school camp for most inquisitive, because I asked the teachers questions the whole time.
It isn't surprising that they're scolded for daydreaming in class when they are inwardly focused on things they feel are important and fascinating.
I regularly got thrown out of Legal Studies for playing dots and dashes, I thought she was boring and I passed without paying attention to her anyway. My English teacher allowed me to just read whatever I wanted. I used to draw fairies at the top of each of my Maths book pages but still did really well, and did better in the abstract part, b than part a. I ALWAYS got in trouble for talking and distracting others during class. It was on every report. I had messy handwriting because I always rushed my work. I often forgot to do homework, or pack my books for the next day. Somedays I had to borrow a pen and paper just to get through the day. I'm pretty sure I didn't complete all my art assignments.
ADD kids can focus on anything they feel is important. Easily distracted, forgetful. I still interrupt others sometimes as I'm impatient, I used to tug on peoples clothes until they acknowledged me. I'm not that good at just sitting without doing something, I can't even sunbake unless I have a great book to keep my there, and I still fidget or rock or tap my feet while I read. I tap my foot to get to sleep. When I talk I have always confused people by skipping topics seemingly erratically. I would have been thinking over things for the 5 minutes I was quiet, and then start talking as if they would know where I'm up to with my train of thought. I'm sure the choice of topics on this blog is a bit scattered. Can't tell left from right, Doesn't finish what she's started. Has trouble making and keeping friends. Has runny nose. (I had sinus until I gave up wheat as an adult) is imaginative, impatient, dark circles under her eyes. Has food sensitivities. I always had stomach aches as a child, but I was a picky eater. I ate mostly wheat products, and milk. While talking with someone, their mind may wander until they come back to the conversation and realize they've missed half of what was said.
Now I am not saying I am or was ADD. Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't, but I think I will find it a lot easier to relate to someone, who just thinks that what is going on in their head is more interesting than whatever is going on around them. I can also see some of the behaviours in these books that would be similar to my son, who is very reluctant to socialise with other people in new situations. He often does not reply to someone who says hello or goodbye to him, and wont make eye contact with them. Hopefully I can learn some tools that will help him to learn to be comfortable socialising.
Am feeling tired this afternoon after two days of theme parks with the kids, but D is cooking so I can sit and read for a little while.

2009-09-15T15:35:00.003+10:00

I didn't do any drawing or painting this week, but I did get my guitar out. I felt sorry for it being all dusty in my spare room. I also set a challenge for D to play me a song. I have always liked lead singers, but never dated one, so that's as close as I get to dating a musician.
I used my kids keyboard to work out the chords to a Dylan song, that I have heard The Waifs cover . I also worked out a Kasey Chambers song from the B side of one of her singles, Lonely. This is also the first time trying to video myself play. I don't have a microphone on my computer so I just used my camera. You can tell I don't know the lyrics yet. I can really hear the loose strings on my guitar when I play it back. That's because I have had it now for 0ver 10 years and it still has the original strings. I had to wipe the sweat from my hands half way through as well. It wasn't that hot out, but I had all the windows shut so the neighbours wouldn't hear me.

Freaking out

2009-09-07T17:53:00.003+10:00

This is not a position that suits introverts.
That line scares the crap out of me. I'm at the phase of making change that only sees the reasons why it won't work out. What if I put all my eggs in one basket and I just haven't researched this enough and there is a big flaw in my theory. That line is from an employment page with ABA therapists. Must be outgoing. I am a successful hairdresser, is that outgoing enough? I don't know. These are psychologists they know what profile they are looking for. Maybe I don't like other people's kids enough. I like helping out at the school, and I prefer working with the slower kids than the really bright ones. I get bored if they don't need help. I'm persistent with making them answer. I really want this to be the right direction. I did my cards finally. Past was parenting and children. Yep that fits. Now was kindness, which made me feel bad about the Ibis with fishing line I saw down at the park. The future was moving forward fearlessly. Which I took as a sign that I should be continuing with my quest for a new career, that the hurdles I am seeing are just a detour that I can work around. I worry that if D's job is not 100% secure, then I should not be looking to make big changes in mine. I worry that I am making big decisions based on a psychic whom I have never met predicting I would leave my job by Christmas. That's a big leap of faith. What if there is no "meant to be"? What if I'm meant to stay in hairdressing and it's just her opinion that I should be elsewhere? Am I reading into it what I want to hear? Am I just freaking out and looking for excuses not to stretch myself into new territories? I think yes to the last one at least. Also that reality is creeping into my happy ever after fantasy. I plan to reread the chapter on unrealistic expectations in my effort free life book. Till then more research, and get my CV together. No point rejecting myself until they do.

Don't settle for less.

2009-09-03T07:11:00.003+10:00

I sat down and wrote out a cover letter for an application to an ABA therapist. It sounded alright al 11 o'clock last night, but I will check it over again on the weekend before I think of sending it away. I really want this to work so I have to do it properly.
When I shuffled for my daily card yesterday, Raising your Standards jumped out of the pack. It says Don't settle for less than your dreams. Once you make the commitment to manifest an improved situation, the universe will find a way to deliver it to you. I decided to still draw a card in the traditional way and got Honoring your True Feelings. It's meaning is By drawing this card, you're urged to listen to, and follow, your true feelings. Do not betray yourself, or rationalize that it's acceptable to deny your inner voice of truth. Both seem to be saying "You know what you really want, now don't settle for anything less, and we will make it happen."
The picture is another little play with plasticine. It sort of turned out elfy.

Is this it?!?!

2009-09-01T21:57:00.002+10:00

I'm a bit excited. I have that rush of thoughts in my head, that makes me talk loudly and fast when I try to explain it, so luckily for the sleeping children I only have my blog to tell. I messaged my sister this evening, to try to follow up on her sister in law's job, working with Autistic children. The reply got me searching on the net with different words and I have come up with some very interesting opportunities. ABA is Applied Behaviour Analysis. It is used to help children with Autism modify their behaviour to better help them adapt and socialise. From a website.
Traits of a good ABA therapist
Enthusiastic
Engaging with children
Some knowledge of developmental norms
Professional & ethical in conduct
Able to stay calm in the face of challenging behaviour
Willing to work a number of short shifts in a row
Willing to attend regular team meetings
Can commit for at least one year
Background in psychology or speech pathology
You do not need to have graduated from any tertiary education, but having an interest in these areas means you will already have some knowledge of child development and children with learning differences.
AP will provide you with on-the-job training as the service provider to the family. However if you’re looking for more formal workshops, there are training sessions we run for agencies such the ABIQ in Queensland (www.abiq.org).

This sounds like me! I love psychology but have not studied formally, however my QCS result of an A was partly based on a written piece on the psychological benefits of play, as shown by Erikson, Piaget, and Maslow. I topped my year level in social science. I did very well at Psychology in Uni even though it was only a subject of Bachelor of Education. Psychology was actually my first choice. I have empathy. I can be patient and consistent. I am observant, and very capable of analysis, with the purpose of implementing a strategy for improvement. The ABIQ runs courses on the Gold Coast, although they do not have one scheduled at the moment. There is a position currently advertised at Tallebudgera.
I can do this, and now I have the first steps on the ladder to set about achieving my goal. Maybe after all these years I actually could have a way into the field that I found so intriguing all those years ago.

Happily Ever After

2009-09-01T13:36:00.002+10:00

Yesterday I decided to do a simple reading for D with my Oracle cards. Considering what we had just been discussing it was quite freaky. I dealt three cards. One each for the past, present and future. Past was kick up your heels, so some partying going on. I think maybe this was about him wanting to be free of the constraints he was feeling, and longing for more fun and money for his hobbies. Present was raise your standards, which I feel represents all the changes D has been making towards improving his life. Taking on new responsibilities, and working to combine both of our aspirations and dreams in a shared life. The last one, for the near future, was New Location. D had just placed an application for a new house just next door to my sisters. The real estate was strangely quick in replying to say everything looked good and just finishing with reference checks. When D's psychic friend said he had the" make it happen" energy, he decided to see how quickly he could manifest the perfect house for us, with a yard for his dogs, and my ideal location for lifestyle. When me and my sister were little, I said when I grew up we would live next door to each other, with water running through the back yard. Well I have been telling the kids that the whole waterfront is our backyard now, and now maybe living next door! The kids always said we should rent the house next door to Tania then they could visit all the time.
For my daily card I actually asked a question of the fairies. I had wanted to go for a walk, maybe out in the mountains, however I had washing to get done, and my bike needed picking up, library books to return etc. I hate wasting a day and get anxious over it, so I asked what I should be doing. Happily Ever After was the card. It said, A happy outcome is assured. Release any anxiety, and feel secure that everything is revealed in the end.
Worrying about the future is just sabotaging yourself. Everything is in perfect order, right now. So I took the washing to Tania's house to do and decided to just wait and see. I got a call to pick up my bike, and was then going to walk in the local bushland so as to not have to drive so far. I rode my bike back to Tania's and decided then and there that I was going to go for a ride today. I haven't had a bike since high school, and it was great fun. I rode down to a fish and chip shop down by the water that I used to love to visit. It wasn't too strenuous or dangerous a ride so I shall go with Jaiden next time. And I had forgotten that Tania is making us dinner tonight. What a perfect ending to the day!

Cash flow

2009-08-31T12:26:00.002+10:00

Todays fairy card was Financial Flow. I actually remembered to open the door and sit near the pot plants while the rain fell while I shuffled the cards. The air smelt really fresh, it hasn't rained for a while. The Guidebook says:
You have manifested a new sense of abundance in your life. Any financial blocks have successfully been removed, and you are now in flow of increased prosperity. Congratulations!
I have felt much more relaxed about money in the last few months. I feel like I have enough. And while I feel nervous about leaving my current job and seeming security, I am feeling more confident about that too. Apparently this abundance applies to increased opportunities in my personal and professional life too. I have to accept the gifts that are coming into my life right now. Allow for a miracle as the effort free life would say. We just looked at the house next to my sisters that is up for rent today. We are also looking at a house later this afternoon that is near the water. I have to trust, that as long as I keep my thoughts and emotions on track, whatever is meant to happen for the greater good will be on it's way.